As for tonight, well. I made plans with a friend. A friend which I used to enjoy spending time with as more than friends. It was different and he made me feel good about myself. Needless to say, all of a sudden it was over with no explanation, just broken words and hidden thoughts. I dragged myself along for far too long. I have been over him for quite sometime. It's just there is always going to be the questions in my head " what was it that I did", "why wasn't it good enough.?" and so on. Well tonight we had dinner which was nice, constant conversation. We went to see his friend play downtown. The night was really fantastic and as we were on our way to his house...I asked him to take me to my car. I am not implying that something would have happened if we did go, I just didn't want to put myself in the situation of being surrender to him again. Despite the butterflies that wouldn't die down for one minute. As we pulled next to my car he revealed a secret, which was strange first of all. It just came out of nowhere. Something that he had to get off his chest. He then began to tell me a story about a girl liking him and then him beginning to like her, and she just bailed. It was more but basically that is the gist. All I kept thinking is why is he telling me this, where is it going. I am familiar with the person so it dug a little deeper than the normal stories he tells about his adventures as a single man. I really didn't know what to say. I asked him why it bothered him and he really wasn't sure. I told him it was because he was dropped by a girl, it just didn't work out and he had no reasons for it. I just chuckled a little and shook my head. He asked what I was thinking and I said nothing, he insisted. So I just let him have it. I really don't know where it all came from and as the words fell from my mouth I couldn't believe I was saying them. I told him how rediculous he sounded, " why are you telling me this, and being so bothered by her","...It kind of makes me mad that you don't realize that this is exactly what you did to me. I never had an answer. Things were good, or so i thought and then you just dropped me because you got scared, or I don't know. If there was something that i did, you never even bothered to tell me. you left me with nothing." It was really quiet for a while. He apologized and then It made me more angry. I grabbed my purse and opened the door. He asked if I was really going to leave like this, I think he was just as shocked as I was. So I continue," you just don't know............you can talk to me about any other girl but people I know it's just not the greatest feeling. " Then I said I had to go and left. I sat in my car for a second fighting back the tears and as I drove down the rode I hit the steering wheel and just vented. ( i am sure I will have a bruise somewhere tomorrow). Then I continued thinking about everything that was said. I don't want him to think that I am not over him because I am. I just don't think that he ever understood the magnitude of his actions. I don't know why men in general don't think about anyone but themselves. It's completely ridiculous. I am sure now he thinks I am crazy and still I don't feel like he understands anything that I said. It's as if I no impression or regret left on him. It's situations like this that keep me wondering if any man is going to take the extra second to make sure that my feelings are taken into consideration. I feel as if I am some.....well not enough of something for anyone at this moment.
Jaime
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