I feel happy. Those words together mean more to me than you'll ever know. It's been years since I have been able to put them together. No longer do I want to write of sadness and of pain. I yearn to express the way you make me feel and still don't think I can do you justice. How do I write of love, something that I have never truely known. I'm on a foreign ground here with you holding my hand. Knowing that when I fall asleep at night amd wake next to you holding me still gives me butterflies... I keep waiting for them to fade, but they grow fonder and fonder of you. Thank you for loving me and letting me through to love you more than I ever have. Thank you my boy blue! I love you .



-- Posted from my iPhone

11-9-10

the last goodbye

the last goodbye

news bulletin

Expecting less

How did I find myself here? Waiting again for something to pass, this unknown haunting of whAt could be. What will happen with our future? I want to be patient but unsaid word make me uneasy. I've never wanted much, maybe this is where my problems begin. A life of normal with a little happy sprinkled in- a love that could bloom into forever. A work that makes me useful and creative, accomplished. As i sit here with a cigarette in hand I am reminded that my lack if commitment to myself is ever so clear. Determination has slowed down with my yearning for more. Settling for what is fact is most likely the better option, leaving the clouds for others to fill their heads. Here and now i am here. With my feet on the ground hoping for more yet expecting less.


-- Posted from my iPhone

I was thinking the other day about how I haven't been able to write about you. I haven't taken the time to tell the world what lies beneath you. now all I have is time to think-I'm trying to to write you away by paying attention to the details as i scrape every bit of paint off the floor. The beautiful things you would say to me even if I didn't believe. The air is filled with silence in this empty house the dog even lies still patiently waiting for something to happen. The key left on the counter shouts at me, you're all alone. This time wasn't your time. I don't want to move but things need to be done, the painted room needs cleaned. The laundry folded. Placement of everything I now have put on the shelves that no longer exist. Love is a funny thing when you let it happen to you. If your not careful it will snap you in two. Different than the others you were. Butterflies are no longer flying as they call to the floor where I lay my head listening to the wood beneath me. This empty room will not talk back. The tears I will fight back, as I pick up the broom and pay attention to the dust that needs sweeping on the floor.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Goodbye my love

I can't be with the one I love anymore, he is now gone from my arms. There will be nomore late night talks and early morning holds. He will no longer be there to protect me from what I can take care of myself. My surprises around the corner have faded into the distance. It hurts, it hurts, I can barely breAthe and I know the sobs will come to an end.. The memories filled in idol object will remAin reminding me of the amazing man that I loved even if he didn't know how to love himself. Who will look out for him now and tell him they love him.. Something neither of us wanted we said goodbye with tear filled eyes and silence knowing this would be the last time we held each other. The key left on the counter solidifying the inevitAble. It was a great everything to my life, my heart. Loving someone isn't alwAys enough. Outside circumstance has taken over yet again, he has to abide by his rules and I had to let him go. I can no longer let him sacrifice his beliefs for a girl who might not know. Thing at all, no matter her passion for God...it doesn't matter that I feel we were in the right place. We gave each other something I will always remember. He has to grow on his own, and I pray he find his way. The path to his ultimate happiness. Did I just give up the most amazing thing I have known, yes. Was it it the right the to do, I don't know. I only hope that I could help him see the amazing man he is. The one he hasn't found yet, the one no one let's him know. I tell you I love you and days later let you go. So now a rest for a moment lying on the ground, paint in my hair, air coming back into my lungs. It will be ok I'm sure the world will whisper, noone will ever know the moments we had you and I . So now I must bid you ado, a Solom farewell and a gracious goodbye.


Sent from my iPhone


-- Posted from my iPhone

questionable

today in sugust

Single yet again

blue balls for women

july 14th

july 1

june 29th

june 26th

Silly little dreams

I love dreaming, it's almost a past time for me. Every night there is something new moving around in my head. It's interesting to see what my brain comes up with. However, certain dreams tend to make me , well, lets say sad, from time to time. I had a simple dream last night, I somehow went back in time to the age of 14, or 17, I am really not sure on the details. My parents were there back together, my brother. I remember trying to get them to understand that I was from the future. I was trying to give them advice on what stocks to buy and tell them about the new technology that had arisen in the last 10 years. I was back at school.( which seems to be a dream that I continue to have at least once). Homework, classes, confusion are all the feeling that I have when I dream about school. It's as if I never understand the class work. Strange....most importantly I had an interest in this dream, in a boy. Even more importantly, he shared the same interest. Little things, like having a guy interested me ( in dreams) really makes me sad in the morning. In my dreams the guys want to be with me, hug me, hold my hand, talk. then I wake up to an empty as I always have (minus the silly little once in a while, blue moon events.) I just frustrated, because the feeling of being wanted slowly washes way in the morning. I know this is all silly, but my dreams are almost real to me. so when they are taken away, it's harder for me. I am sure that I will, one day, be able to find someone to wake up to. Until then, kharma the manged puppy will have to do.

The day after

My Birthday

One sip at a time

A gathering of people unknown to each other , cordially drink a beer unsure of what the nights going to bring. Every drink brings them closer to forgetting the reality they live. Singing the songs they wish they could live, adventure and life ending in the happiest place they can think of on the moment. A comforting place soft below the sheets , getting personal with someone they don't know the last name of . Drinking to create memories to brag about the next Day or wish theyciykd forget the last night or worse, remember where the pants are.singing the melodies of the new generation, finding things in common with the words. Laughing harder then they should to every word, hoping appear attractive the thenperson next to them sitting closeebough to feel the body heat. Dancing with every beat and the ones that don't exist. Oh the joyess times of alcohol.


-- Posted from my iPhone

I miss the random moments that I used to treasure. Is it possible for me to have them back to put a smile on my face or am I screwed because I am looking for them. That's a funny thing about life, whenever you are looking for something you never seem to find it, but when your not lookng for anything at all the world seems to drop anything into your lap. Is that why I can't find someone to understand me, because I have been hoping all this time? That couldn't be right? Too many times I have witnessed people getting the things they want simply by putting there minds to it. I suppose I could make more of an effort, go out more,talk to strangers, prostitute. What if all this time I have been scared to find something that will work. Maybe I've just been stalling this whole time because I am afraid of failing again in love or a career. Well now that's been said, what the hell do I do now?

alone

I am sitting alone at 12:49 with my car in park. The music turned down and a cigar in hand. All I have thought about the last few days isn't the first time I have tried to push through this road block in my life. The everlasting wish for someone to see me is on my mind underneath this past full moon. I cansee myself in the rear view mirror but there is nothing behind me and noone beside me. The daunting question " is this how I am meant to be?". .. "will I always hold this weight of noone to hold me?" surely I would have hoped that over time I would just push through and understand that it isn't my time to be loved and even though I witness those around me finding their person to hold hands wit, I shouldn't be discouraged and yet I can't help but be so. I am sad in this moment of my life, it is nothing disasterous, it is just so. I am not saying that tomorrow will change my heart, but now in this car alone in the dark I feel just that... Alone.

Ofcourse it turned out this way

I have missed the mark yet again, before I can find myself floating on happiness my choices on who I choose to have faith in deflate the possibility of love And let it fall to the ground sinking so slow that the reminder continuously slaps me in the face with an " I told you so". Shattered tears cause me to wonder if the hope that I push is fading away each time I am reminded that hope doesn't neccesarily make a fact for my happiness. I've wanted so badly my entire life to have someone to share the new memories with and explore the possibilities this world has to offer. You have to of wanted something so badly it hurts, add a thousand times to that and you might get a glimpse of how I feel everyday with this weight on my shoulders telling me" you are never going to be able to have a normal love in your life" " noone will ever be able to see you for what you are and understand the reason for your existence" I'm sure this all sounds a little out of place but trust me when I say that I truely do not believe that love from another will find it's way to my door, it shall pass over and touch all of those around me. And maybe if I except my fate now, I will keep myself from the pain of getting hurt more than a person deserves. Jaime

quitting

day...unknown

A chance to find....

violins play in the foreground with a drumbeat in the back and I want to dance. I want to take away every feeling of every moment away. To the sway of the beat I let the feelings escape from me only to return in due time.

I keep trying to figure out all the answers to the questions I have unanswered. Ashamed, I feel that I have been asking all the wrong questions. This is life, we live and breathe, eat and sleep. We have moments of joy , sadness, pain, and laughter. We are all meant to endure each one, not to feel as if the world is crashing down, but to experience the moments. If we continue to pray for the best things, then we are missing out on the everything. The traveled road. I have been fortunate to meet people of different attitudes towards life, drastic ones at that. The optimistic, pessimistic, happy ending, never ending folks. It keeps me going, just knowing that I have so much to learn. I can play by the rules of the game, but I don't think that was ever meant for me, the typical life, that is. I have been running from myself for so long, maybe now i am going to be able to see who i am and figure out what it is that I am meant to do in this world. Who I am going to be able to help. Without losing my passion for people and the love they carry with them. Everyday is a line, to the story that I am living. A note to the song that is being written every time I breathe. Maybe this time I will be able to see what life is and give it a chance to take me somewhere I have never been. I place to challenge everything I know about myself and the world around me. Bliss.