http://youtu.be/7-XeFsw6Dmc

Another two weeks....life is good!!

Oh my goodness, the last two weeks have flown by with a bag of exhaustion worn on it's back. I am not sure were to begin... I wrote a little something for Alaska, nothing too poetic, just felt like on my 5 a.m. hour long bus ride to Wittier.

Oh, Alaska how you've taken me into your arms to keep me with with the beauty you present for me. Your icy mountain tops are covered into snow trying to hang on to it's very existence as it melts into various shades of waterfalls filling the lakes with fresh drinking water. Every twist of the roads hugging the hips of your mountains sends me into a cerebral shock letting me know, as if I've never seen it, what true beauty is. Lucky am I to have found your charm, Yet I know that beneath your brilliant cover lies an unknown danger of the land. The land which sometimes brings you in with it's glory and sucks you up leaving you left for dead. This land is clever and knows how to survive the outside threat of oncomers. It has to fight to stay alive and remain intact as if it never aged. I bow my head in respect to you, in awe and appreciation of what you have to offer, Thank you for accepting me as I am Alaska. In a world where acceptance is all to small. Forever a piece of you will be in my heart. 


 Well the bus ride was followed by a ten hour train ride making sure the guest had an enjoyable taste of Alaska. After we dropped them off in Denali we made our way up to Healy about 30 minutes away and among the cleanup we came to a stop. Now I don't know if anyone of you has ever ridden a train, but it's stops for many a reason, to drop someone off in the middle of nowhere to survive in the wilderness, brake lines need checking, wildlife to be seen.. So after a couple of moments of sitting I decided to see if maybe the conductor saw some Dall sheep that we could take admire upon. After searching the rocky mountain sides, i realized that there weren't any guests on board therefore no reason to stop, so I knew something was off. Moments later I found out that there just happened to be a rock slide in front of the train, which I suppose happens from time to time, i just never really had the chance to think about it happening to me. We couldn't back up the train for some reason and just had to sit there and wait. Finally there was a sign of release for the cliffs of the mountain when a small bobcat wheeled its way up to the slide and started removing the debres, a scoop of rocks at a time. Unfortunately we could hear over the radio that the rocks were still falling and warning the man in the yellow machinery to watch out. It was pretty surreal to watch this man balance on the tracks as he shoveled our way to freedom, as rocks hit the top of his little vehicle. Finally 2 hours later we were beginning to back our way to Denali and while sitting on the caboose we watched as we crept away fro the danger zone. Suddenly again we hear over the walky that there was another rock slide.." STOP ! STOP! WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE!", and low and behold the limbs of a dead tree and rocks were again in our way. I watched as heaps of rock fell to the tracks along with my stomach. We were stuck in between two slides on the cliff of a mountain that only a few feet kept us from the rapid river down below. Every found as way to remain calm but there was a subtle panic in the air. Thoughts kept sifting through my head about the various options that could take place in the next moments. So I prayed silently to myself that we could return safe while others talked nonchalantly of the events in their lives. Then I remembered that little piece of paper that I scratched down thoughts on earlier in the morning and laughed a little. It was true, no matter how beauty something is, there is always a possibility of danger followed behind. Needless to say, being that I am writing to you now, we made it through 4 hours later than scheduled, but we made it through.

    And that was just one day, ha ha ha. I tell you what, this job is tough and easy all in the same instance.You have to always be on the edge of your seat waiting for the unexpected to happen. I just got back from a run where I thought was going to Fairbanks and a large hand full of us ended up back in Denali. We met up back with the rest of the crew last night to hear how well they did, and how much money was made, and after a long day of making no money I was slightly frustrated. Then I quickly remembered the night before, and I wouldn't have taken the money to give up the experience.

When we all got to Denali, a group of us went to grab a bite to eat at the 49th state bar. Which considering the population of the city and lack of people, was a very very tasty bite to eat. We then walked down the road to the Totum, and some played pool, but I my friends discovered the game of shuffle board. It is such a simple game, but so enjoyable and challenging at the same time. The Totum also has this lovely little trinkets to offer which consists of a mechanical bear.Much like a bull, but I am pretty sure that this bear was once alive. It was covered in fur so real it sent a chill down my spine, and the face was on point with it's grizzly nature. I have to admit it was tempting to mount up and try it on for size but after watching a co-worker ride the bear, I quickly turned my head on the idea. She grabbed on with one hand as she held the other in the air, then the sexual tension amongst the bar patrons grew as she slowly rode the bear, she help on for an impressive 56 seconds before she was slung onto the inflatable bounce pad. I just know that there wasn't alcohol in my system to endure the ride. Ha so many inside jokes with that sentence....
   
   After the totum we began a hike to a bonfire place I've heard so much about and still wasn't sure what exactly to expect. It was beautiful a beautiful 15 minute walk to the site, houses hidden behind the trees, horses walking through their fenced land and of course the mosquitos taking every chance to suck on my fair skin, which hurt like a small bee sting each time. but as the trees opened up their in front of me was a vast dried up river bed. We walked a minute more to arrive to a smoked out fire pit left for dead. As the others began to rekindle it's fire I walked to the sound of running water by myself. I walked my way through the bed full of every kind of rock that Alaska had to offer and as I approached the water a sudden peace filled by body. There I was in the middle of this beautiful landscape where I was standing once was full of rushing water. There were about four small streams flowing along side each other cut up from the variation of land all flowing in the same direction towards a giant scape of mountains. I couldn't believe that I was there in this hidden landscape. I sat down and thanked God for his beauty once again. The sound of the water running along side me and the sight, well, I was filled with thousands of emotions coming from every direction. I really am not sure how to explain the experience in words, it was almost outer body. I thought about a lot of things in those minutes, how I got here, my family and friends and where I was going. I realized then that what I had been thinking was true," I am here in Alaska, miles from home, for a reason." " In this moment I am truly happy, I am truly alive!".
    After a couple of torched marshmallows it was time to head back, although the sun still lingering in  the sky contradicted even time. It was on that walk back to slumber,down a dirt filled road, that I found butterflies again that I haven't felt in a long while, it was exciting and frightening at the same time. But I pushed on and made it to my night's home in time to have a 5 hour sleep.

   So the unexpected was worth it, it doesn't matter how much money I make here, as long as I continue to find moments like the last. I am finally at ease with my placement in life. The future is sure to come and I might not know what in entails, but I don't need to know. As long as life keeps offering me the beautiful experiences I am sure I will find my way......
 
I love and miss you all, and hope that you get a chance to take advantage of the world's offerings as I have.

first actually train run

On my own

Swallowed up by the silence surrounding my heart. My biggest fears ring loud in my ears making it unbearable for me to even open my eyes to the future. I am crumbling into this void that I fought hard to run from. Another city, another day, and I am still awake staring at myself in the mirror trying to grasp the happiness that I was filled my lungs with. I take a step into the future and my past takes two more, holding onto every inch of fabric tearing holes in the clothes that comfort me and keep me warm. Miles away and still today I think of what we had and how shattered it all became in just an instance. I can pry my eyes open and see what I couldn't see before although the light is harsh on my sight. I had hoped for so much dancing in the rain with you, until the rain filled up the small room of reality and flooded my dreams of having an ever after. Now I have time to think, time to reflect on where I was and where I have come. I will carry you where ever my steps take me, but as time goes you grow lighter, and become much smaller than you were when I first layed eyes on you. The cold wind pushes through me, but my coat shall keep me warm and this hat might tossle my hair but I am ok with that. I am grown admist the change, I shall appreciate each day I have and know that what I thought we had might have been just that, for now I know that this is where I am meant to be, these hills might be large but it is the mountains that I will conquer on my own...on my own.

First Train Run

So I have started to settle in, it is beautiful here. Here are some photos from my first train run.

A week in!

I tell you what, if you ever want to learn about yourself- pack your bags and move to another city with people you barely know and get a job working on a train.
This week has been one of the most challenging in a while, well I'd say after England a couple of months. I honestly dont know how I am managing to still be standing ( actually lying in my lovely blow up bed. The first day of training was a breeze. There was a sense if excited nervousness floating around the room as we all listened to the managers try to cram as much knowledge in out heads as possible. Starting a new job is always a lot to take in, never mind the fact that the 8 of us were temporarily homeless. Between the 8 of us we've learned a lot about what we capable of, and it's quite refreshing. Considering the past 3 days have consisted of going to bed hopefully before 12 waking up at 6 going to training and then trying to make this house a home and then doing it all over again the next day. It's as if We are all tethered together by imaginary strings , where 1 goes most have to, doing this 24/7 cam cause some strain and believe me it has, but it's about give and take and it's nice to know that we all have each other in the long run.
I have to say that I didn't think I was going to make it today- my body and mind were pulling me down hard as the minutes went passed 7. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it, my anxiety was taking over and telling me things I didn't want to here." you're crazy for doing this, you're never going to make it, your out of your comfort zone" I honestly wanted to cry as I sat there listening to someone talk about team work and .... Well I was too close to walking out as they began to play a video on bacteria and I started becoming nauseous, it was surreal. I couldn't get comfortable in my auditorium seat, I wanted to scream. Somehow I managed to get control of myself and stick it out and an hour later I was fine. The mind is a tricky thing that I hope nobody takes for granted, it's capable if crippling me in an instant and it scares the shot out of me. But I have to keep moving forward. Since the beginning of the year I have been able to maintain myself( for the most part) without any medication and I'm damn proud of myself for it.
Now the only thing weighing on me is the first run, the test to see if I can make it through the ling hours and still manage to keep a smile on my face. I'm a good server I just hope I can be one for 13 hours straight. Well friends until we meet again... Peace and love - Jaime

The First Couple of Days...

     So here I am now at 9:07 in the morning in an almost overcrowded, some might say cozy hotel room, and I am swept away with the somber snoring of a friend which is developing into the sounds of a small child dying. Alaska. This week has been pretty intense. I clocked out with 44 hours which to my surprise wasn't all that hard, I could have possibly been prepping myself for the times to come. I did however develope some kind of sickness monday have my porcelain skin shaded in the sun at the beach and danced a bit that night downtown where I properly bid ado to Orlando.
        The next day was hell, I was overcome by my pressing move, and felt like death... Thank the lord for my dad calming me down and miss christina for coming to my aid with some drugstore goods. Thinking I had strep, I went down to get it checked out and after having a pipe cleaner pushed up my nose, a little too far I would say, I paid the clinic $250 to tell me that I had neither strep nor the flu. I am sure most would be relieved, but i was even more angry at the fact that I wasn't sure what was going on and i was about to board a plane in less then 48 hours. Dun dun dun.... Needless to say I pushed through the next day slowly as a packed and took a nap, packed, took a shower, everything I had planned on doing was pushed aside for the pressure bursting through my face, nose and throat. With two hours of sleep I awoke to the big day. I love the feel of an airport, the hustle and bustle. Everyone has somewhere to go, a story about where they've been, bags stuffed of to cluttler their homes, and cameras stocked with memories. Life is awake at the airport, or sleeping on metal chairs.
     I knew I was in for a long travel, 3 flights, 3 changed planes, over 15 hours of being stuffed into a chair sitting next to strangers. The first flight was the most comfortable although the visit of my monthly gift from God came causing the pain to rise in my body. Of all days this had to be one. At least I wasn't pregnant and at least it explained my complete breakdown a few days prior. The last flight was the worst, I was sitting next to an older gentleman who had no idea of self awareness, as he eased his way into the small space I already had with his elbows. I watched a movie and at one point almost became deaf due to his forearm resting on my volume control. For some reason I was so timid to even try to ask him to move his arm, I didn't want to make the man uncomfortable even though he was in my airplane bubble.So I had to try and sneak my fingers under his arm gap from the seat and relieve my ears from the piercing sounds of gun fight. On a side note, there are diaper changing stations in the restrooms making it easier for anyone who would like to join the mile high club.
     So here we are in Alaska with a rental car for a week and a hotel meant for 2, but sleeping 5 and no idea of where we will be living in the near future. Yesterday was our first day here and we honestly had no chance to appreciate where we were due to the luming fact that we are all in an unfamiliar place searching for a house to fit 4 and hoping and praying it's not in a section of town we could get raped and pilaged. The first place we looked at almost sent one of the girls into shock as we opened the door to an occupied apartment with the tenant out for the moment. The place had a certain smell that only a man would be able to ignore. Clothes tossed along the floor with a mattress in the center of the room and used dishes scattered about. I think then we all knew it would be a rough search. Call after call after answering machine without replies. We are full, waiting list, no short term leases! I knew it was going to be tough but damn. Thank the lord that 8 of us were searching for a place to live because one of the guys found 2 places in a four-plex and talked the landord into doing a 6 month lease. We went in and saw them today, filled out some paperwork, so after the background checks clear we should be able to move in monday.... yay! 4 people to a 2 bedroom but it's going to have to work. The place definately needs a scrubbing, and some love, but I think it's going to be a great place to call home for 5 months, and if I get bored I could always walked across the street and watch some grown men play softball  on the fields.
     I am very thankful for the people I can now call my roomates. I think that this is going to be a good living situation. We all get along with each other in our own way, and there is a sense around us all that we get it. We know when to back off and when to laugh it's a little strange how well we all interact with each other. Ofcourse there is no telling how it will be once we get settled in. Weeks from now we could be at each others throats, but I don't think that will happen.
     All in all this past week has been a whirlwind. There were people I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to, and people that graciously accepted me into their lives. Cheers to giving it a shot in a 50 degree weather. Love you guys...peace, hope and love-Jaime

Times haven't changed....

I feel like most things haven't changed for me since I first started writing this blog. There are a couple of the obvious ones... some that haven't...
I am still working at the Cheesecake Factory... i did leave for a whole month but as you know unfortunate situations led me back.
I am still a cryer, haha, I think that I have come to the conclusion that I am always going to be an emotional person., I can't help it. I care so much about so many things and people that it just affects me directly to my soul. it's a damn shame.. that's what it is, but it is who I am,
MEN...still not existent and toxic. I feel that the last time was enough for me... it really took a huge piece of me. The past 8 months I was waiting to move, waiting for a fresh start, I couldn't even start thinking about dating because I was moving. Then when I came back 4 days later I was still hopeful that i would return. and now, i'm so tired. I am not giving up, but I am slowing down on any progression that I had for myself. It feels like it's right there for me to grab, but I just can't reach it. There isn't a ladder for me to help me climb, I just have myself reaching out for something to make it all better. I see relationships around me blossom and everywhere I turn there is love. And it makes me happy to see my friends falling in love with someone. They have a chance at being happy with someone.  so now i in this blah process of being lonely. frowny face. it's just sad really... I don't know what to do with myself. I just try and work to not think about it but you know that never does.
I'm just so lost and i really wish someone would just tell me what to do....maybe I should just install some strings upon myself  and have someone just walk me aroudn like a puppet. but there goes that crazy mind of mine.
I am still a hopeless romantic... I just watched a couple of my videos from 2 years ago, and not mych has changed... Ima filled with maybe, oneday, someone will love me, I'll be able to grow with someone and building a life together, blah blah it's still the same and it makes me laugh... you think I would have learned from my past, but apparently you can't beat a horse dead over the head or however that goes. issues. Que sera.. oh life you tricky little fucker. I shall bid you goodnight.-jaime

I need a new year's do over