Saying goodbye....

Here I am

A woman is driving down a long stretch of highway, with only star and the cars headlights to guide her way. She is quietly concentrating on the road as the music plays at a level almost too loud for comfort. She takes the last drag off of her cigarette just before she tosses it out the window. The cigarette hits the wind it swerves back into the car and lands on a pile of papers in the back seat. The woman catches a glance of the smoking papers in her rearview and throws her head around to catch a clear view of the action taking place. A horn honks in the distance, she focuses back on the road and swerves to avoid a creature of the night a little to late. Seconds later her tire blows and the car begins to stumble upon the gravel and she safely brings it to a stop on the side of the road. As she begins to calm her breath a few tears far from her eyes in the thought of what could have been. Flashers on she exits the car to retrieve the spare in the trunk only to reveal that has lost it's air. She takes a look to the sky. "Couldn't you just give me a little break.?" She stomps her foot on the ground and then takes a seat on the ground placing her head on the bumper. She laughs a little at the circumstance that she has just found herself in. She takes a peak around the car to see if anyone is coming only to reveal pitch black.

The events that took place earlier in the week begin to wash over her. The wedding where she got reminded of how alone she was sitting next to the family of strangers. Wondering how it felt to know that you wanted to be with someone for the rest of your life. The issues with work and the people that continue to treat her like she hasn't anything to offer but the motions she goes through daily. Then the most substantial, the breaking of her heart once again to the same man only years later.

She stands up and dusts off a bit with still a little hope of lights in the distance from cars to the rescue. With the time of night and the lack of civilization, she realizes that the only chance she had at being saved was from the honking car that saved her life. She walks to the car to retrieve her bag trying to salvage her back seat at the same time. It's useless. She finally grabs a borrowed hoodie from an old friend that she can't seem to part with and locks the car. She stands there for a second a wonders if she should wait for someone to save her from this stranded road. ANd she plays out all the potions in her head." I could be saved but then I could also be raped and pillaged and left for dead only further down the road. A knight could come rescue me on his horse, but then he would probably be to good looking and would rather have a boy to play hide and seek with than her. Or she could just walk down this road and make the journey on her own. It's so much more comfortable, she's being doing it all her life so what another couple of hundred miles. It's not the best feeling being alone, but she really has no other options." So she decides to hold on to the stars and let them guide her through the night. One foot in front of the other. The memories with always be there and the hope of what she thought would be. So she walks into the night relying on herself as she has her whole life.

jaime

I'm going to be ok.

Sometimes I all I want is for someone to fight for me.

an honest reveal

I can't believe that I am sharing this. I hope that it will help someone, somehow. I have yet again found someone to break me down. Not purposefully of course, just the way it always happens. goodness. So is life. So it is.-jaime

Video.? Really don't know

Option

Everything inside me tells me to make a choice. I need to speak up for myself and take control of my future. I have not many options at this point and I am afraid of losing one of them. Instead of taking a step towards one and trying it out. What if I take one and work through the process and then it turns out the option is hopeless...nothing that I thought it would be like in the first place. I have been waiting to play this one out for quite sometime. I have placed an enormous amount of pressure on this part of my life, what if everything that I have built up is a huge disappointment. What if I lose the only hope I have towards this option. What if I go through this one and the next until I am all out of them. I will be left with nothing but failed choices. All this of course is a bit extreme , me losing all my options. But the fear of losing one has kept me from losing them all, is has also kept me from trying one out. What the hell. Can't one of my option is just show some light on me and let me know that it is the right choice at the right time. Why do I have to pursue everything, there should be something pursuing me. Blah. Very mature and wo is me I know, but seriously something needs to be done soon, before I freaking go crazy...Muahh ha ha.-jaime

Real

Sometimes...sometimes we fight so hard to find what it is that we are meant to do with ourselves. Questions pour through us without answers to the one before. What shall I do with my life, what will I become? Will I be happy in my life, and will I find a future of success? Will he love me as I do him? What am I meant for?... I don't know the answers to any of these questions, I only know what I feel. Inside I am meant for something great. When I hear a song that pushes the boundaries enough to give me chills, it makes me smile. I love more than most, whether it be watching a single leaf fall from a tree and appreciating its beauty, or seeing an older couple holding hands as they slowly stroll down the street in the middle of the night like time is endless. I love these things. I feel the passion in stories, and the people's eyes that tell them. I see the pain in the shake of a person's hand who just can't give anymore of themselves to this world. I think more about most situations than I probably should, constantly thinking of the different outcomes, different footsteps taken. I know that when I see a great movie it triggers that pit in my stomach telling me that I can do the same, and do it well. I know that I love telling stories in any which possible way. Stories of life that actually occur, places that people really see and the awkward moments filled in between. Don't get me wrong, I love fairy tale from time to time and carebear happy endings. But the real, just tastes like the perfect cupcake to me. Vanilla, with a possible confetti action, with whipped chocolate topping. Just right. I love real.

Jaime

Displacement

Tonight I am reminded of the feeling I know all to well, the feeling I haven't seen in quite sometime... The feeling that refreshes my body and frightens my soul. Displacement. Sometimes when I am surrounded by people I am able to wash them out and muffle their sounds in an instant - replacing them with the sound of my heartbeat and the exhale of my breath I feel as if I am watching myself fromthe outside... Every sense is awakened simutaneously . I feel the ability to chNge musket into whatever comes into my mind. In the moment. My step changes with my posture, my hand movements with every inhale. Memories unknown to me arise, thoughts rush through my veins. I am something else, someone else momentarrily takes over my entire being. This feelingholds strong in the pit of my stomach And j feels as if I can do anything. Run, dance, scream, smile... Impulses being to arise from somewhere I've never known- as I drive my eyes stare off I to the road ahead of me as my surroundings blur at 5 or 60 mph and it is a feeling I am unsure anyone can understand. I look at those with me And they converse as I am myself, it is impossible to explain in the fullest capability , but it is something I know I am meant for more. The feeling tells me I am capable of anything in this moment- to create things people have never seen. It is overwhelming and intimitdating all on it's ownbecause I don't know anyone who can do this. Displacement. I feel as if every movement is exagerated and thought a year about. I am able to stare at myself as if it is forthe first time I am seeing my skin, the freckles on my shoulders - the blue in my eyes- I can cry for no reason in this moment- feel the wet tears against my cheeks and wipe them away with a smile with no purpose- and only one I feel an understand and he is no where in site. Displacement......


Jaime


-- Posted from my iPhonenedu

Goodbyes

I have moved around quite a few times in my life, due to my dad being in the airforce. There have been alot of lost friends and tears shed for knowing that you will never see them again. I always think or possibly say that I will see them again, but as I get older I realize that deep down somewhere i knew that I wouldn't be able to, due to missed timings and life changing. So when I am able to keep in touch with a friend, or they care enough to do the same with me, it means the world. I have never had the luxury of having friends, for a life time. Someone I grew up with who know me inside in out, I am almost envious of people who can say that they have known someone their entire lives," we were in first grade together." So even though I have said my many goodbyes, and felt that horrible feeling. I have never been able to warm up to it, no matter how many times it happens in my life, I always cry. I always cry.

I had to say goodbye to a dear friend tonight, someone who would never hurt a soul. Always there for you if you need him to be. Just an all around amazing person. It hit me harder than I thought it would. I just couldn't help myself. I pray that all his travels are safe and that I do get to see him again. He is one of those rare people that no matter what you want to keep in your life. SO hopefully, i shall see my dear friend again.

Although, tonight when I had to say good bye to him, it made me think about the people that I do have in my life. The people that I have met through others, work, school, chance... Every single one of them I feel is in my life for a reason... I am constantly trying to figure out how or what brought this person to me. I think that god has a plan for all of us, this journey that we have to live through. He brings individuals to us to teach us and guide us along the paths that we are destined to live. Some times I wonder if i think too much into certain friendships....( [please don't think that I am trying to say that only others provide for me, i intentionally try to help as many that I can in my life, love as many people, and now i sound like a hippy..) or certain people. There are things that sometimes happen, coincidences that i don't know if I could ever explain. It's as if god is trying to speak to me through these events and I don't know what he is trying to say. I would like to think i am not crazy with this, but it's just to abnormal to think otherwise. sometimes I wonder if the person in my life is meant to be there for the long haul and that's why I hold on to them so much, or maybe just the experiences I had were all I was suppose to have. Could it be that I am holding on to something that really isn't there. This ofcourse is an open ended question that I will never know the answer to , or fear the answer. love-jaime

randomness

I just need to put it out there how much I love music!! It seems to infuse itself into my blood with every note played and I appreciate it for the feelings it pushes through me. It sometimes feels like the music is made just for me in that moment in time. I love it when butterflies emerge and send chills through my body just from the excitement of a new cd from a favorite band. Money doesn't make the world go round, music does. Thank you to everyone who has ever been a part of making something beautiful for the world to hear.

Alright, so last night lil red and I decided to venture downtown to a favorite place of ours, bbq bar. Ofcourse neither of us thought about the classic being in town but as we hit dead stop traffic on orange, i realized this wasn't the best idea. the streets were packed with people, I can't believe how many. I felt like I was in another city. There were plenty of people lining the sides of the streets just listening to music and dancing it out with a cup of alcohol in hand. SOme were just standing watching the people go by without expression on their face. It reminded me of spring break in panama city. A whole bunch of crazy. woman wearing clothes the should because every footstep revealed one side of their unappealing ass cheek. I did get to see a smurf car painted blue with rims a spinning and the characters airbrushed perfectly on the side.. I actually was enjoying the scenary, lil red...not so much. She mainly stayed intact with her texting abilities to keep the outside happenings from coming in. I got to free cd's which one was interesting with it's thick rap of paper money flying from everywhere....the other cd was actually a good track, very impressed. When we finally did get to the bar, the night was fun, aside from the strange man who tried to lick my shoulder, strange, lil red just kept talking about the swine flu from the tongued man. Which I thought only appropriate.

I need to get out more and meet new people, it's just something I really enjoy doing, I just rarely act upon it. There are so many people to learn from and pull from, enjoy things I have never done before. I shall keep that in mind for the next couple of weeks. in with the new, chill with the old. ---jaime

Patience is a bitch

First of all o have to say that I have had a few drinks therefor of anything is spelled invorrectly or doesn't make any sense.... Do not judge me.

Ohhh, lately I have been under a lot of unescecary stress. It seems that the car accident has bit remained in the past. I recieved a letter in the mail from the woman who hit me, asking me to release her from all damages to my at because she was going to het her license taken away from her.... I wish I could but due to the fact that I haven't been discovered for my talents I have no money... I know it sounds crazy but it feels like I have this womans life in my hands, her future. I feel horrible that I can't do anything to help her out, let alone the fact that I just recieved a bill on the mail for the hospital visit o made after the accident...!!! Ugh I just don't know how to feel about anything anymore.

Expect love.... I feel that in this point of my life , while attending weddings and photographing them, I don't underaand why I can't find someone to love me. I haw recently found someone that has been an important factor in my life and it seems that he doesn't want to be apart of mine " in a relationship kind of way" I am not for him anymore, somewhere along the twisted path that we have been involved in has strayed him away from ever wanting to be with me. Which hurts, I feel that I cam trust him and know him and it just isn't enough... It seems that I am never enough... Whether it be sexually or emotionally men never seem to think I am. Enough which is seriously the reason why I am still the 27 year old virgin without a relationship history. And patience isn't going to help me this time. Jaime
-- Posted from my iPhonenedu

Freak out Factor

Hello to all of those people who are constantly over thinking every situation and constantly wondering what the other person is thinking, as I do. Today I shall talk about the freak out factor...(named myself, so it could be illegitimate). The freak out factor can be defined as: an action that someone partakes in in a relationship, or interest, that scares the shit out of the person being pursued. I have realized that in prior efforts there has been a point to where I have managed to scare the other person.( scare might be harsh, but you understand what I mean.) Everything seems to be going fine, I mix well with the other person, find things in common, possibly a true connection is made. Then out of some strange place called nowhere, the guy just decides that it isn't the right time or place, or there is something that isn't working. It usually comes down to me just being friends with another guy., and honestly it is frustrating. I have plenty of guy friends as it is, if i wanted to just be his friend I would have stated prior. You know, set the imaginary limits, bubble radius.

This freak out factor has been a huge determiner on my "dating" life. ahhhhhhhhhh.......it makes me angry. Good lord. I have been trying to place my finger on the certain moment when each have occurred and it is just ridiculously hard. each time, different outcome. Hard to say this, one was after a sleep over, which really just consisted of making out. Another, after a disagreement, one disagreement. It seems that when the guy thinks that we are getting to close, it has to end. What the hell does that mean? Am I too intense, possibly. But I think that if a guy is going to call it quits, he just give a reason why. I think that too many times people are afraid to hurt the other person's feelings by keeping quiet, and in doing so , this leaves the pursuer ?????? so If i could just stress how important honesty is, i shall do so now, IT'S IMPORTANT....how am I ever going to improve as an individual if no one tells me what I am doing wrong. I am not saying that I will conform and adjust to meet everyone's needs, because that would make me someone else. I just would like to be aware of problems, so I can understand what the hell is going on. Ha. Alright. that is that for now.

jaime

A thought found during a rainy night

I have somehow found a way to bring myself back to the begining. The time when things were simple wrapped up into a box of impossible. The way you made me feel has returned in disguise. Things HAVE change; we both have grown. It makes me wonder if the new could end with the story of us. You seem to be hiding from in a form of friendship, afraid o the reprecussions this time. The tables have turned, it seems. For I am ready to wrap
Myself into you and you are overthinking every possible move and action. A stranger told me the other day," don't let love slip from your hands, you will regret it in time." I can't say that I love you, but I can see me saying those three words with you in time. And regret is something I intend to stray away from, but the feelings have to be a mutual agreement. No more letting what could be pass us by. I also suppose that I could be putting force placed feelings of yours on the table I have yet to understand. I don't know what you are thinking. I don't know what you are feeling. I am afraid to crumble your new found freedom. I don't want to be impatient but I don't wAnt to lose a chance that we finally might have to be together. Unfournately I feel that these feelings shall be stored away again until a time is right. But I am more afraid that the time will never be right.


Jaime


-- Posted from my iPhone

True love

The days events have come to an end. A new begining for two people who love each more than the air they breathe.

It's interesting to think that there are possibilities for people to find the one they love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. I can imagine it, surely, but it's the experiencing it that I wonder if I will ever be able to. I am sure that I will find it's just the seeing it and relealizing it that I am worried about . Being able to hold onto a love so deep for the rest of life is a difficult thing to do. With challenges and struggles, I feel that it is too easy to give up on love, people are always wondering if their is something better out there for them. " I could do better, there are plenty of people thatwould love me more than you".... Instead of fighting for love I think too often people just toss it aside for something easier. Which is the reason why their Arent the true loves anymore... It's almost as if true love is becoming extinct.

I am afraid of the whole process in itself. Finding, holding on, wondeing if the person I'm with is my forever. How do you ever really know. Is there really a feeling that you're supposed to have or is it just something that you want so bad that you make yourself believe that what you're feeling is the true love.....

Jaime



-- Posted from my iPhone

The longest yet

There is a somber sense in the air today. I feel that I am good inside and shining on the out. I don't know what , but something makes me feel like u can take on the world finally. I have taken back my life and I'm ready for another chapter to begin.

The next few weeks are taken over by weddings. Normally being single would get to ne but I feel good about the thought of a happy begining for people. Just because I haven't started that path in my life doesn't mean j should be bitter towards those who have. I am grateful for where I am. I know that I an in good hands and my life is where it should be. I'm not afaid of what is in front of me and it's freeing.

Ithink everyone should take the time to dance when no ones looking... Sing with the windows rolled all the way down.smile at the stranger in the aisle next to you. Don't forget that we all have troubled lives and people understand.

Day unknown...

The last week has been a roller coaster of interesting. I went on a photo shoot with my uncle in Gainesville, and afterwards I got to pet some pretty amazing animals, which two days later gave me an eye agitation causing me to think that I had pink eye. It's not fun putting eye drops in your eyes that soon cause you to want to vomit after of course burning the shit out of your eyes. Dear lord.

The dating has come to a hault for some unknown reason. It's a very daunting task that I have to keep up with. It's almost exhausting finding someone who wants to hang out with me for more than a day or two. I figure that being myself is what I am supposed to do, but I just somehow find that to not be enough,,,funny. I think sometimes that prostitution would be a much easier route, if only for a few seconds to be connected with someone, even if it is under false pretenses. ha, prostitution. Surely I would never amount to that, surely.

I have been having these crazy dreams lately. they all seem so real that when I wake up, I have to think about it for a little to realize that they were just dreams. For instance, I dreamt the other night that I was pregnant. I know me pregnant, kinda funny. well, I had sex with someone for the first time, but I didn't know who and I was 3 months along. I could feel the bulge n my stomach... the movement. i was crying thinking that ofcourse this would haoen to me. It fast forwarded to the child being 3 months old, I was breast feeding, which was really strange, not something I would recommend dreaming about. Fast forwarded again to the kid being 10. i was running late for work and just took him with me instead of school, where I realized what I did for a living, I was a university professor who taught shakespeare. I kept looking at all the men around me wondering if they were the child's father, it was very surreal. I think that this is one of my biggest fears. Having sex and the getting pregnant and raising the child on my own. I think my life is going to go a different route than most people's. But I am petrified of doing it alone.

So now I wait for the long weekend and the halloween party to come. Hopefully everything runs smoothly. Hopefully...Jaime

Day 40...secrets

First I just wanted to let everyone know that I am fine. I am a normal person( well as normal as I can be) therefore I will have ups and downs. I just happen to feel sad the other day. Yesterday didn't help to much either. I finally was able to talk to a friend that had been ignoring me for all the wrong reasons yesterday. He just doesn't understand me and the nature of whicH I work. Which isn't difficult to understand, really, I just care alot about my friends and worry for them to be as best as they can. I like to help them get through their tough times, because it's my way of giving back to them for being there for me. (it's only fair). I am not sure that the conversation went the way I wanted it to but i did realize that we are both stubborn people and we just have to deal with the way that we think. It's probably going to be a constant struggle but in the end I think it will build both of us up to be better people.

I screamed last night, or possibly the appropriate word would be yelled. I should "this isn't my life, this is why I have such a hard time dealing with men. Because they continue to shit on me." It seems that I have come across a string of men who care more for themselves then the people around them, which can be understandable to a certain extent. But when it proceeds with hurting other people, or them not thinking that there is a possibility that this action will hurt someone that I care about.

For this I bring up the topic of secrets. We all have them. However, they are a cruel trick on the world, because in order to keep secrets, it involves lying to people, people you care about, some you don't, but lying none the less. I found out a secret last night, which makes me wonder who can I really trust in life. Some might say, "noone, trust noone!"but even so, who would that leave the rest of us. Trust is something that, I feel, everyone wants to have. But who really gives it? This secret has crushed me a little, from both parties involved, and I shall not go into detail, because they know who they are. And possibly they did nothing wrong in the moment surrounded by circumstance. But neither told me and neither planned on telling me. It makes me sad that someone could hurt me so much. My heart is torn on whether to forgive and forget. Or should I approach either person, but then If I do it will just cause a mess, if i just let it go and I could avoid a dramatic scene that I would never wish to occur. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I just don't think the trust I held is there for them anymore. Which is scary, because I know that I will forgive and forget, and possibly let myself get hurt again by the same person or people. Please just know that I might be a strong standing person, but when it comes to trust I am a fragile heart that can only be broken so many times before I repair myself no more.

These things, these silly things seem to find a way onto my lap. I cannot understand this journey that keeps me running every moment of it. I want to find a person to rest a while with. Someone to show me that humanity isn't lost and I am not crazy for being the way that I am, and wanting the things that I do. I good old fashion love. Nothing false or forced. Just a feeling of ease and pleasure. These silly things will not burn me down.

Jaime

yesterday ...day 39

I just woke up flawed this morning. I can't really place the anger but it is rising from somewhere settling just below the surface waiting to approach fresh air to fuel it. It is possible that it's not anger0 actually I have no idea where it came from. I can't believe i'm saying this, but appropriately I believe I am feeling lony. I think due to all the weddings in the air, it could be the cause. I can't find a date to a friends weeding. Who would want to go to a wedding on a date, usually people get flustered and think about what their wedding would be like, maybe with the person they're with or maybe not. A date, none the less, something I haven't had in a long while- I really don't know the exact rules got calling something a date. Although for some reason I still feel like I have yet to feel a real date. Yesterday while at a wedding shower, I was asked to give advice to the bride and groom. For the first time in a long time I was speechless. I don't possibly know what a 27 year old virgin , who doesn't know if she has been on a date in her life, just be giving advice to people who are in love and are about to get married. Needless to say it hit me hard, and I left the card blank. all this confusing word play of thought just randomly found a way into my head again. I want to cry but I have no reason to . I just feel sad today.

day 34...restlessness

The last couple of days have been very interesting. First of I would like to leave myself a personal note...Please hide your phone when you start drinkin!!!~...Now that is done. It seems I have a problem everyone, and yes it involves calling or texting people while I am intoxicated. This hasn't led to anything good so I don't understand why I continue to repeat the same mistake time over time. I feel that cell phone companies should enable a locking device on your phone so that if you decide to drink you shouldn't be able to call or send messages. I think that it would save alot of headaches in the world. I am a strong personality sober so when I decide to drunk dial it is always no good for the person on the other end...I am usually demanded answers to questions I already know but never have the balls to ask.

That being said...I am very proud of myself for being on the opposite line of the telephone this week. I did engage in a couple of drinks from time to time, but in the process remained sober enough to enjoy all the lovely people around me. It's been interesting. I have had a couple of random conversations with a couple of random strangers. I met a gentleman who wore a fancy fanny pack and is a vegetarian bicycle store owner. He actually only rides bikes, and hasn't owned a car for 2 years. Also he feels that one person cannot make a difference in the world lessoning their carbon footprint. One guy, was very tall with matching strawberry blonde hair, who claimed he has the lamest job in the world. I laughed and was entertained by his generous gestures, and stories of pranking people at work. He said he has a hard problem intimidated people with the "mean face" because he always just ends up smiling, so I sat there while he proceeded to imitate himself for about 5 minutes. Turns out he was an accountant. A couple of british chaps carried on a conversation quite well, the also were very animated with their speech, which takes a bit getting used to. It just so happens they are printers, so i thought possibly graphic design but no, they work at a factory for 12 hours a day, 3 days a week and watch paper print basically. Which I thought had to be the worst job, very boring unless the ink cartridge gets low. But they love it because it pays well and makes it possible for them to travel...apparently they say there are alot of poofs in ft. lauderdale that like british men in swimming trunks...ha.

I also had the pleasure of carrying on conversations with friends of mine that had a few more to drink than they should of. I am always interested in what people have to say when they are drinking, because you get to know the truth of what they feel deep down. although i have to admit that I wish they were just falsifying the information or possibly only thinking of the things they're saying because they are drunk. Life confessions, heart confessions, it's just so much to hear. It's almost too hard sometimes. I tend to worry for my friends and when they say certain things. I don't know. Being sober involves more than people realize.

Cheers to finding a happy medium.

Jaime

Day 31...fantasy can be reality?

I am feeling the actions of yesterday through my numerous aches today. I never though that signing up to play a fun game like kickball would amount to pain. pfff... I guess this is the reason that I never played any kind of sport before. I suppose I will have to work up a good stretching regimen in order to last without wanting to die.

I realized this afternoon that I need to stop watching television. It's not as if I watch copious amounts. It's just that I have a few shows that I look forward to seeing (which shall be unnamed, for sake of embarrassment). These shows. I just love the thought of the random nature of them. The possibility that the writers create. I normal person being seen by someone not so normal. The seduction and beauty in all the characters. The interesting yummy man finding something in the girl no one sees. It's all a fairy tale but as I said before I take well to those little stories. I think it's part of me hoping to have something amazing like the stories happen to me. Some part of me feels that if I keep believing than it will be possible that someone beautiful inside and out will notice me. The special event will happen with me. I think that after all these years of having nothing sexual in my life and hearing people say,"when it does happen it will be amazing" has built of the fantasy. Although I am beginning to lose patience and wanting things to happen now. I am ready for something amazing now. It might sound a little impossible. But it's has just been so long and the needs and longings start to take over. The compassion, and emotions, subtle hints, unknowing, and warm hugs. My body is starting to crave them more and more and unfortunately I cannot do anything about it. I feel like if I want it to happen it won't and when I least expect it, well, it will happen. Dear Lord. Fantasy will not be able to hold on much longer.

jaime Striby

day 28 past to present

Once there was a time where I was able to find myself relentlessly in love. Everything seemed to fall in place, there where things happening that I couldn't explain. Too many coincidences to go unnoticed. The words we wrote became our embrace. The conversations our kiss. For months I was falling in love without even a friendly hug to hold onto. Circumstances kept us from being together and timing caused us to say goodbye. Months of silence went, then a reconnection for future purposes. Writing again, my heart pounding again. I put myself out there to be faced with circumstance again. This time it took longer to pull myself from the floor where I laid in sadness. A year goes by and then another, and for some reason we keep in touch. it's hard to give up on something that was so good. Except this time my heart has learn from the damage that has been done and it has turned away from being ripped once again.

Now today, I don't know what I feel. I do know that I no longer hold a wall us between him and I. It's different. We have known each other for so long and been there for each other for so much. It's interesting what time has done to our relationship. There's no telling where it will be tomorrow. It's just so hard to let go. I believe that people are put into your life for a reason. Every single person. Of course some will have more value to you than others, but we all introduce something new with that first handshake of hello. I believe that there is a reason for all of this insanity. There has to be.

Jaime Striby

Day 26 ....shame on me

This has been a good week...I got a new saltwater fish tank, which is more fun than i thought it would be...oh to live the life of a fish constantly swimming and being stared at in a glass box. It was a week of friends, and bonding if you will. I really love spending time with people, learning new things about them daily. Possibly living a little through their lives with the stories they have to share. I love my friends, each one with their individuality. each one.

As for tonight, well. I made plans with a friend. A friend which I used to enjoy spending time with as more than friends. It was different and he made me feel good about myself. Needless to say, all of a sudden it was over with no explanation, just broken words and hidden thoughts. I dragged myself along for far too long. I have been over him for quite sometime. It's just there is always going to be the questions in my head " what was it that I did", "why wasn't it good enough.?" and so on. Well tonight we had dinner which was nice, constant conversation. We went to see his friend play downtown. The night was really fantastic and as we were on our way to his house...I asked him to take me to my car. I am not implying that something would have happened if we did go, I just didn't want to put myself in the situation of being surrender to him again. Despite the butterflies that wouldn't die down for one minute. As we pulled next to my car he revealed a secret, which was strange first of all. It just came out of nowhere. Something that he had to get off his chest. He then began to tell me a story about a girl liking him and then him beginning to like her, and she just bailed. It was more but basically that is the gist. All I kept thinking is why is he telling me this, where is it going. I am familiar with the person so it dug a little deeper than the normal stories he tells about his adventures as a single man. I really didn't know what to say. I asked him why it bothered him and he really wasn't sure. I told him it was because he was dropped by a girl, it just didn't work out and he had no reasons for it. I just chuckled a little and shook my head. He asked what I was thinking and I said nothing, he insisted. So I just let him have it. I really don't know where it all came from and as the words fell from my mouth I couldn't believe I was saying them. I told him how rediculous he sounded, " why are you telling me this, and being so bothered by her","...It kind of makes me mad that you don't realize that this is exactly what you did to me. I never had an answer. Things were good, or so i thought and then you just dropped me because you got scared, or I don't know. If there was something that i did, you never even bothered to tell me. you left me with nothing." It was really quiet for a while. He apologized and then It made me more angry. I grabbed my purse and opened the door. He asked if I was really going to leave like this, I think he was just as shocked as I was. So I continue," you just don't know............you can talk to me about any other girl but people I know it's just not the greatest feeling. " Then I said I had to go and left. I sat in my car for a second fighting back the tears and as I drove down the rode I hit the steering wheel and just vented. ( i am sure I will have a bruise somewhere tomorrow). Then I continued thinking about everything that was said. I don't want him to think that I am not over him because I am. I just don't think that he ever understood the magnitude of his actions. I don't know why men in general don't think about anyone but themselves. It's completely ridiculous. I am sure now he thinks I am crazy and still I don't feel like he understands anything that I said. It's as if I no impression or regret left on him. It's situations like this that keep me wondering if any man is going to take the extra second to make sure that my feelings are taken into consideration. I feel as if I am some.....well not enough of something for anyone at this moment.

Jaime

day 21

So I have been tired the last couple of days, trying to fix my sleeping schedule, let it find some sort of normality. I took a nap after work and woke up to no car in the drive way. I was a bit shocked, apparently the lady lovely was running late for work. It's not a big deal, i just hate being stuck home with the world waiting for a little bit of discovery...but I was saved for an hour and I did get to go shopping for a baby shower with one of my soul mates, Mrs. MM. She is really a fantastic soul, very sweet with a side to here that never lets anyone push her around. She has a beautiful future growing inside of her, that I cannot wait to hold and love. We have an interesting history, the two of us, something I feel is irreplaceable, because it's us.

I ventured out of my comfort zone again last night. I met up with lil red and her boy for yogurt and we decided to walk down park ave....someone spotted a hookah sitting out in front of a restaurant with an interesting character smoking it. We decided to try some because I have yet to smoke the hookah. After studying the array of choice(which all sounded like popery scents) we went with apple and vanilla. We also decide to try some food. To my surprise we were sitting at a turkish restaurant...I could pronounce anything on the menu, it went something like this...galvishcael,bagavishno, mallizo, kjdfoiwe, fjsdifo...thank goodness for the english subtitles. We order a sampler, which scared me a little. I am more of a pizza and salad girl, I have to know what I am eating. The hookah arrives, and smells insanely delicious. I took one hit and felt like I was smoking popery, it was strange and interesting at the same time. It resembles smoking cloves and flowers. Loved it. the food arrived, which consisted of a plate with a bunch of unrecognizable items...and then of course this bread. The bread when fun, i could have poked at it all day. It was a huge poof ball, i guess there is a better name but I can't remember at the moment. It was thin with steam inside, I grabbed a knife and stabbed it, letting the steam rise. I wish I could learn out to make it, because it was delicious with melted butter and sesame seeds. Supposedly you did the bread in the unknown food and eat it that way. I believe there were 8 things, creamed caviare (not bad), a hummus( I'm getting used to eating it.), a couple of eggplant things, (which were good) a salsa thing( pretty bad) and some cream dip thing,(good) the others I can't remember, but for the most part if you can get past the textures it's not bad, not bad at all. Who would have thought that I would ever enjoy turkish. Ha.

güle güle - Jaime

güle güle

day 20 Momentary Silence

So it seems that I haven't been by myself in the last few months. I am now just realizing all the activities that I have been jumping to. I think I am trying to make up for the time I lost going through my mild depression and anxiety. Then, I would spend alot of time alone, thinking, trying to figure it all out night after night. Writing words that make me sad now, to think that it wouldn't even get better, that I was stuck. I do miss the time thinking about everything from the future to the way the leaves flow with the wind in my backyard fighting each other, but I don't miss the tears.

Relationships are a bit mind boggling to me. I am constantly surrounded my connections, whether it be love, lust, doubt, or worry. They are all around. I have friends who are in different stages. Just meeting, dating, engaged and married. It's interesting to think that one day I just might walk through the series of steps that it takes for people to end up with someone for the rest of their time. I am learning, this I know. But somehow I would like to be able to push past the meeting and greeting stage to a casual dating. I seem to keep saying the wrong thing, which is ironic, because apparently thats all I know. I say me. Inappropriate , funny, random , or crazy. I say me. It might be easier if guys did intimidate me, I could be this fragile, shy but intriguing girl who always laughs at his jokes or wears heels even. ( I know me in heels....ha) I am finally comfortable with being myself and loving myself, I just don't think anyone else is.

mmmhhhhhmm. Jaime

Day 19 Struggles with the lawn mower

Since I have been home from my vacation, I have developed this lovely sleeping habit. It consists of going to bed around 4:30 and waking up at 1. I know it's a little ridiculous, but I never want to go to sleep and when I do I never want to wake up...it's a viscous cycle. This morning I was woken up with an accidental phone call at 9, then a preceding one at 9:02 from a car dealership. Then I realized I was hungry and of course I can never go to sleep when I'm hungry,. ( i think it's human torture. When parents say if you don't eat your dinner you go straight to bed, that should be considered as child abuse, or some form of no no.) So i woke up and stole my roomies cinnamon toast crunch and enjoyed it almost too much beside my cup of coffee.

I decided to be productive so first thing is first, I get up to mow the lawn. Unfortunately I wasn't wearing a dress but I probably should have due to the luck I had the last time. I gear up, which really just involves putting on shoes. I prime the mower, spray the fluid stuff where I was told and pull the rope handle thing. Nothing. I yank it a couple of times even though I feel like my arm is going to come out of its socket. Nothing. So i prime, spray and repeat. This time it starts I move 3 feet listening to my music and dancing and done. Nothing. "damn it!" Pull my arm out of my socket again. nothing. Try one more time with the mower tilted...starts 1 second later. Nothing. "really? What the fudge" So i give it a second to calm down and pull out my handy dany hard core scissors, you know the ones that are good for cutting chicken and hard plastic. I begin to " trim the hedges"( insert crude joke here), which really consists of cutting where ever because I have never attended lawn school. After 20 minutes of spiders, bugs, ungfamiliar noises, and realizing I should just get the real thing hedge clippers, i go back to the mower . I start examining it, (as if I know what to look for) and nothing. I call any guy I think will maybe have an option. noone answers. ofcourse. Then a call back from my old roomate, he tries not to laugh, then suggest bad fuel. So i turn the mower upside down and bleed the primer and gas pours onto my skin..lovely. new gas, new try. Yes it works. One-eighth of the way through, nothing. I beat the mower gently a couple of times and give up. Now I am left with a shafty lawn and a mower i borrowed with no help insite.

Just to let you know, I am the kind of person who thrives on being able to do things myself. I don't like asking for help, i will, but i don't like it. So not being able to mow the lawn is a little more frustrating to me than it should be. I know this. I think being so independent has it's pros and cons...now i find it a little harder. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time finding someone who wants to be with me. Maybe guys feel like they can't do anything for me, so what's the point. Don't get me wrong, i wish I were a princess who was able to request a knight in shining armor. But that fairy tale seems a little silly to me. I have gone so long depending on myself that I don't know how to depend on anyone else, even a man. I worry that my independence is going to falter me in the end. "Lonely woman who can sometimes mow her lawn, and do anything a man can." That's probably what the tabloids will read when I wind up being a 80 year old virgin." Funny.

Incapable of mowing today,

Jaime

how many days later?

I am sorry to say that the everyday posting hasn't gone as well as I hoped. Which is ok considering I haven't quit writing, yet. I have to say that I am very thankful for blog. It is helping me more than I thought. I am impressed by the people who read, as well. I wouldn't have thought that anyone would give a shit about what a virgin at 27 was thinking. Although, writing these makes me laugh at how crazy I really am. Not psycho crazy, but sometimes border line. It's fun.

So I am now back to reality from my vacation to the mormon state where I did a couple of new things and remembered some of the old. Vacations take alot out of me...I always try to do as much as possible which makes me exhausted when I get home. I did learn more about my brother, how strong he is, how he's handling situations that have been presented to him. It makes me proud to know that he's going to be ok, and that he is going to make a good impression on this world. Also I learned, in his drunken state, that he loves me just as much as I do him. ( I know hallmark moment) he told me that i've made him the person he is today and that he loves me more than anything, and also followed with something about style and music. Don't get me wrong, i love talking to people about both of these things, it's just I thought maybe I could have a better influence. Maybe with morals and goals. I will just take what I can. He's so silly.

As far as men in the great salt lake, I have to say I was more impressed with the ones I cam across than I would have thought. There are two that stick out more than the others. One was a friend of my sisters. "unfortunately" I met him when he was drunk. Introductions were said and before my name left my sisters mouth, he had his hands on my shoulders. You know the creepy, touchy guy. Well that was him...he proceeded to start whispering in my ear. what? I wasn't paying attention, I was slowly easing myself towards the ground with my ear falling away from his mouth. I was hoping that he would realized the awkward tilt of my body, with my sister laughing. But no. So I straightened up, a few more wo feely rds were said and then something along the lines of" would you like to f*ck" poured out of his mouth. (and yes, I think he was serious) I warned him about my slapping capabilities then walked away to hide near my big little bother. To be honest I was laughing but it gave me that sick feeling in my stomach when you know something is wrong but can't really react the way you would like to. Apparently no one sent him the memo about sleazy bar talk isn't the greatest way to send of a good impression.

The other guy was much more memorable. I met him at the tattoo shop. When he first came over It felt like my jaw had dropped for a second when he asked if my brother and I had any questions. That just doesn't happen to me, so I was a little put off guard. he was cute and charming in a weird way. It turned out that he knew a friend of mine from high school. Very strange coincidence. We made small talk as I made an appointment for the following day. As i was leaving I invited him to hang out ( which surprised myself). But he had painting to do that night, which was the weirdest blow off, but whatever. As my brother and I were pulling away he called back to give me the shops email and say that he was sorry he couldn't hang, but he really had to work on a painting for his class. Cool deal. I woke up the next morning to realize that he was in my dream. Not fair I say. Not fair at all. ( why do dreams do that, lead you on and then the next thing you know you are waking up to reality.) Well it was a good day, painful but good. We got a chance to talk more about life's lovely jokes...me mowing a lawn in a dress, relationships. Then I said goodbye and that was it. It's unfortunate that he lives in another state, because he was a pretty cool guy, with interesting quirks, like being a vegan and all. bad timing and thousands of miles away. It always seems to get me.

Back for now, Jaime

Day?

I have nothing inventive to say today... I'm enjoying my time in Utah. I went mudding for the first time and never felt so redneck especially after my brother purchased a raccoon hat for me at te gas station... I'm on my way to take some photos in the corn fields so pray thAt I don't get taken by aliens and regret the things they'll do to me.
It's a fuuny thing getting to know people. I feel that I have to more careful the next time. Impretty bad at reading signs, or guys are pretty bad at sending them. I have seemed to offend someone recently and I really don't know what to do about it. He and I shared a con ersation about god and well he just isn't too sure about the big man up stairs, and I respect that. However I accidently sent hi
a " god box" on facebook just another one of those stupid applications that I sent to everyone. He didn't talk to me for a couple of days soni sent him a mesage saying hi sorry if I freaked you out. He responded with no but I don't apprecite the god box thing you sent me. He thought that it wasn't fair for me to try and push god on him. Which made me angry because he hasn't given me the chance to let him know that I could care less about whAt he believes in; just as long as he's not sacrificing animals. I was a little heated when I write him back and my sarcasism might have been too much. He hasn't responded and I don't know what to do about it.. This is a crazy thing to cause someone to be Angry with me... This is why I prefer talking to someone in person or over the phone , they can hear my inflection and laughter, knowing when I am joking or not ... Really???:(

B. Jaime



-- Posted from my iPhone

911 delayed

"while we are waiting for take off I would like to remind you what today is. 8 years ago an event happened that took alot of innocet peoples lives, it changed the way we travel for safer airways. Just remember what's it's all about folks, it's all about our freedom." this is what the flight attendent said after we got settled in with our seatbelt fastened. Nevermind the lack of sleep I received last night, to me I don't think that scaring the hell of of the passangers is a good way to start the 3 1/2 hour plane ride. But then again I could be wrong.

Due to the lack of I-phone capabilities when you're a billion feet in the air, I have resorted to the sky mall mag , with the lovely ambience of the engine( becAuse I forgot to load my iTunes onto my phone !!!) I have decided to share a few of my top items to be purchased.




2. Lawn aerator sandals
26 1 1/2in. Steel spikes to help you have a healthier lawn. Personally when I see this it looks more like something Jason statham would use to beat the shit out of someone while he's gardening. For a mere $12.99 you can simply stab someone in the face with a good high kick preventing them from ever seeing again... 2 thumps up!!!!





3.16th century Italian armor statue with halberd
in case you need to feel a little more safe in your home you can by this strapping 7ft tall statue for only $1050.00 including shipping and handling.. According to the catalog it is " fit for a king", so if you want to feel like royalty you can... Also great for a coat hanger.





4. The zombie of Montclair moors statue
Yep that's right, a lovely life size decorative piece good for " an office, or family room corner" also if you want people can think you're f@cking crazy.






5. Bigfoot the garden yetti sculpture
Wow my friends with this enchanting scultpture you can impress your friends with your love for the outdoors. And if you were thinking of creating a one to match be careful becAuse the name is copy written.




6. The slanket
Which looks damn close to the snuggie. Why people?! Why? It's bad enough here is one version, now we are mass marketing this rediculous product.

So it is safe to say, I will have to take out a small loan for $3,000 to buy my items from skymall. Hopefully I will qualify due to the tough economy. Whatever will I do if I can't have my suit of armor and eye gouging shoes. Maybe I could set up a payroll account for others to donate- I think it's a good cause don't you?

Jaime

Day 7 Sleep

I have been completely unproductive today. It started with my 1:30 wake up time, which I am almost ashamed to admit. I would like to blame it on the dream I was having. it's not the first time... which is the frustrating thing about it. I am in different situations and different locations, but the same problem keeps happening. I am trying to walk and do normal things, depending on who I am with or where I am , and I can't move like I want to . It's a horrible feeling that places itself on me. It's as if I have an adhesive stuck to my feet and I can't move unless I put all of my effort into it. It's almost like my knees wont bend and my balance is completely off. In last nights dream I was at a show and people just kept staring at me, thinking I was drunk. I am pretty sure this sounds ridiculous, but it's traumatizing in a way, and it always lasts the entire day after I wake up. I really wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I also wish I could just record my dreams to a disk , to watch over and over, so I could analyze what they mean .

As for the rest of my life. I am completely excited to be going back to Utah. for the record I am not mormon. I used to live there because my dad got stationed there when he was in the, and it just so happens that my airforce brother followed his footsteps and is working on the same base that we grew up on. It's been a good ten years since I have returned. So many memories, I can't wait to rehash. Friends to meet again, see how they've changed. Maybe I could find someone to have sex with while I am at it. I mean, it wouldn't be a random stranger, because technically I have known my friends there for at least 13 years. I think it's a brilliant idea, but chances are I won't follow through. Mostly all of them have families of their own and kids to continue their blood lines. It would be a good story...funny.

And on a random side note, I just found out if I hit option and letters on my keyboard I get this œ∑´®†¥¨ˆøπ“‘«ææ…¬˚∆˙©ƒ∂ßåΩ≈ç√∫˜µ≤≥÷÷ ¡™£¢∞§¶§¶•º– so apparently if I want to do a calculus math problem I could do with the correct symbols...interesting.

Until tomorrow....Jaime

Day 6 Just another day

Today was interesting in certain ways, but definitely not one for the record books. I got to sleep in, hallelujah, but minutes after I woke up people starting arriving to the house. It was salon da' Steph... It was quite interesting watching the living room turn into a chemical palooza. I'm glad she's beginning to grow a group of clients, I enjoy watching my friends grow. As for the rest of the day, I went to see a movie not worth recommending, the time traveler's wife, i'm usually able to get into movies, but this one was just ehh...I don't know exactly why but I have a feeling that it's because I read the book. As me and kimber were leaving the theater I texted a friend to see if she would pick up a run shift for me. Seconds later I get a phone call from some guy asking who this is, and wondering when I wanted to go for a run. I could hear is friend laughing in the background as soon as he told him he was talking to a girl. Then I cleared up the misunderstanding and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner instead of work tomorrow, and then the conversation ended. I couldn't believe that I just got out by a random wrong number, who does that? I could have been some creepy woman trying to take advantage of men by drugging them and leaving them for dead in the middle of no where. Which gets me wondering, why is it that men really never have to worry about being raped or harassed.. i'm sure there could be a worry about being robbed, but i wonder if it even crosses their minds when they are walking by themselves when the sun goes down. I wonder what it is that men are really afraid of.

I have always worried about them being afraid of me, well i suppose afraid isn't the correct word. Maybe, scared. Well over the years I have had a couple of different experiences with guys involving my virginity, it seems that everyone of them handles the "situation" differently. Some respect it, some get turned on,to some "it's not a big deal" or some run. I always come across the ones who respect it, and the dirt bags that lick their lips at it, it's the other two that are a rarity. "it's not a big deal" always turns out to be more a big deal than they thought. And when they run it's even more frustrating.I think they start thinking about the possibility of them being my first and they get freaked! They create all these scenarios of how it could go down and start feeling some unnecessary pressure, which is always ridiculous. I don't have anything to go on, there really isn't a way of me telling it he's doing something wrong, unless its really wrong. I would like to think that through other things I would be able to tell if it was going good or bad. I would hate to lose a chance of having a good lasting relationship with someone because they were afraid of what could happen. ahhh it's very tricky.

Jaime

Day 4 ( a little late) The call back

Honestly I couldn't believe it myself, but yesterday afternoon I received a lovely little text message from the 5th grade antics table. I know, very interesting...His name shall be known to you ass george, not very original, but I was thinking that I should probably respect everyone and switch their names around just incase of privacy issues. All I need is a lawsuit against me for inappropriate slander.

Back to the george. He wanted to meet up for a drink. So many things run through my head, first, I'm not much of a drinker. Those of you who know me, have realized this through a series of either sick day afters, or embarrassing truths that pour out of me with the consumption of alcohol. I decided that I shouldn't slap the idea away and try something normal for a change. However, the thought of "the game" did come into my head. You know, should i say I am busy, I don't want to appear to be too eager, but than I realized that I don't like twisting around in circles trying to figure out how to make my next move. After all we are all human, I feel open thoughts are the best policy. (Which probably get me into trouble, more than I would like to admit.) So it was agreed for a drink, I let him pick the place and he chose this classy bar called Whiskey lou's. By classy I mean, cigarette filled, elvis' life-sized statue standing in the middle of the blues brother across for 2 pool tables and a neon sign on the wall reading something about mullets with 1rst season homer simpson lit up in yellow. Which was fine with me, I always love the eclectic casual atmosphere. He asked if 11:30 was past my bedtime and I have to admit that I paused for a second, wondering why the hell so late. He said he would be home from work , which was understandable. But who gets off of work that late on a sunday night, besides me and my co-workers. Could he work at the mill, or maybe catching the working on obt catching the church people on their way homes. But I just ran with it.

On a side note....

In the process of figuring out details, I was making dinner with a friend, and went to take the trash out. On my way back inside, I hear a hello from the dark lit house next to mine. Neighbors I have yet to know exist. A woman comes out of the shadows with the warming smile and lovely long black hair, an art feel to her. She introduces herself and we start talking about the house and how she once had her great adopted grandparents living here, next to her sisters house. I asked her if she wanted to take a look around, because she has already mentioned the painted office, she had seen the day before.( when she says this I imagine her and her sister, two woman in their 40's peeping into my house through the window_ giggle worthy) She took a tour helped me pick out paint colors, filled me in with history of the house. It turns out that she works for a local gallery and has a ton of connections. How fabulous is that!!!! I am extremely excited at the possibility of having my photography out there for the world to see. Yay...

Back to the pressing matter at hand. So as I am waiting to meet up with the george. I get a beer and take a seat at the bar next to a couple of drunk people talking about love... How i love drunk people talking about serious matters, life changing events and how they don't know how it came to this point. If you ever are bored and would like a bit of real life entertainment I would suggest grabbing a beer at a local bar and just listening to the conversations people have. It's priceless, well the price of a couple beers at least.

So a couple of minutes go by and I see him across the bar and wave. I sit there for a second and realize there is someone familiar standing next to him and as I slightly cock my head to the side I realize that yes I know him. It seems he has brought his father from the night before with him. Yes I know, i couldn't believe it myself, so I laugh a little out loud and try to contain myself as I say hello to the george. He first states, I hope it's ok that I brought my dad along, he's only in town for a week and I haven't seen him in a while. ( A little strange I know, but honestly I don't know why I am surprised, due to the crazy nature my life entails. ) I smile and say no problem. So there we are me, the george and his dad sitting at a table with a beer in hand...what to say first?

I start with the obvious, so what to do you do? He does have a normal job, working audio for one of the local theme parks. Which is good to hear. His father is retired military so we hit it of right away, being that I got to experience the "military brat" life style growing up. A little bit of this and a little bit of that conversation... with very little silence in between. Because nothing is worse than the awkward silence shared between someone you just met. I felt as if I were almost putting on a show, there is always a little bit of pressure involved meeting someone for the first time, and of course I felt added pressure already meeting family. I have problems being too honest, and I had to hold back some because I didn't want to be to abrasive in front of the george's father. ( I just kept thinking, who does this happen to? Surely no one I have ever met has had to do this, why can't my life be a little normal?) Oh, so instead of wracking my brain for what to say and not to say I suggested a game of pool, which I lost, but enjoyed. Then the two played a game of pushing to balls around the table. It was interesting, for them not spending alot of time together while the george was growing up, they played pool the exact same way which consisted of forceful hitting of the cue to get the balls where they wanted to go. By the time their game was over the bar was closing. So the gentlemen went to the bathroom. While I was standing there waiting trying to process the night's events, the waitress came up to me and started up a conversation. She wanted to let me know that the older gentleman that I was with was quite attractive.I replied with " is that so?" She then said" I tried to get his attention by waving to him, but you know, the men of my era aren't used to woman be so assertive." I laughed," I know, my generation can just walk up to a guy and slap their ass and they know what we want". I don't know if she understood the sarcasm of the statement I made which made me laugh a little harder. As the guys come over she whispers in my ear" you feel free to let him know how I feel before you leave." The father says that " the george had to take a picture of the prophylactic machine", I said " the condom machine"( of course not realizing I was talking to a father figure.) It read" For refund insert baby here" random I know, but funny. I let the father know of the interest of the waitress and he wasn't surprised. It was so nonchalant, he said he knew that and let's get out of here. It's not everyday you see an older man flee from a flushed waitress. I decide to drive the george and his father home the 3 blocks because the thought of them getting taken advantage of my the night's streets is overwhelming. We stop in front of his house and his dad asks for the keys to the house, trying to leave us with a alone goodbye, which we both knew. Although his slick exit was stopped by the locked doors and struggling to get out. I went to open the door for him and he finally freed himself. Along with the comment from the george" do you need a wheelchair dad?" So as we sit there for a second alone...he asks me to if I want to come in, and I say what the hell. As long as you have scrabble.( which i now understand the comment, wishing i could take it back, scrabble? really?) He does begin to look at his games in the next room , which all sound like child's games, confused I walk over to see a bed with pink polka dots and a fuzzy life sized pony in the corner. Then he mentions they're his daughters games as if I knew he had a daughter. ( I have to admit it took me a second to comprehend. He never mentioned he had a daughter, maybe it was inappropriate for bar talk, but ok. I just brushed it off with a hmm.) I looked at the photos of her on the wall and was taken back. She's beautiful, it was a different side to him, it change the factors, in a good way. I suppose dating people my age, I am going to run into children along the way, so I am ok with that. Though she was beautiful, I wanted to take photos of her then and there.

So without a game to play the father puts in a movie, aliens 2. I laughed, with of course. I haven't seen that movie in ages, not even sure If I have seen it due to the 4 series collection, as if 1 alien wasn't enough. So we watched the father went to bed and if was chill. After the movie was over, i said goodbye without any action. I have to be a lady now, even if I wanted to do plenty more. I'll talk to you later. As i am leaving I read the time on my clock and realize, it's 5:50...goodness, it's insane that I keep finding these guys that keep me up until dawn.

Needless to say I had a good time with the first encounter of the george and his father. I'm sure this shall be an interesting relationship, whether we are just friends or not. It's been very entertaining thus far.

jaime

Day 3 5th grade antics

Ok, so today was a long day of waiting tables and would you like another refill sir. I thought I would be in the safe zone from making any embarrassing actions, apparently I forgot that they follow me everywhere. So the sum of it is...I'm at standing at one our computer stations ringing in an order and I glance across the dining room and see an attractive guy sitting across from another man. Of-course, my first thought is that he prefers men, not sure why...maybe it is because most of the good looking guys turn out that way, for me at least. So out of curiosity I ask the server who is taking care of them , what his status is..moments later he returns saying he just asked the guy if he was straight and single..Just like that. He replied with a yes. and yes. Now normally it would have just been done, then and there. I don't know, that's just what i do sometimes, wonder and when I find the answer it's more like a hmm...good to know, because in situations like this, work situations, I just would rather leave it at that. Apparently my friend didn't think so and out of his best intentions let the guy know that he had an admirer. I wouldn't have considered it that, maybe if he worded it a little differently things would have been easier. Of course the guy had to be curious and asked who it was.

Let me just say that this isn't normally how I handle things, well lately anyways. If I were out and about I would be able to do all the work for myself, I like to think that I have more courage than the way I acted.

After time passed he finally let him know it was me and of course, I felt flush with embarrassment. I have to walk by this table to check on mine, so I resume to head down walk fast with not a care in the world, as nonchalant as possible. I almost felt as if I were putting on a show,- minus the tap dancing and final chorus. ooohhhh, not to mention he was sitting with his father, who was encouraging this escapade. Neither of us were bold enough to walk up to the other person, and all the outsiders watching have their own opinions. You should do this, or that. I honestly just wanted to take back the curious little question I had asked, and refrain from making an ass out of myself to a stranger I will probably never see again.

I'm sorry I know this a ridiculously long story. But it felt worse in my shoes when it was happening. In the end, I was given one last chance to say something as the check was being dropped, and I pussied out. I ran over different scenarios in my head and none of them were witty enough for me to take into action. So I proceeded to write him a note...I know WTF. It read," Hello, I am sorry for the 5th grade antics, it has been a long day and my comfort level pushed, if you would like to have a cup of coffee call me,***-***-****, Jaime" Yes folks, that's right, i wrote a not to a guy I thought was cute. I have seemed to of forgotten my age. All I can say is jas;odfijsd;oijd;sgh uas fs;dijf shadg o;ew/.really? alskjfd.

I don't even think I acted this way when i was in 5th grade. I mean I might as well put a couple of boxes on the bottom for him to check yes or no to. This my friends is why I have found myself in my predicament at my age. Oh well, it is what it is. Just promise me that none of you will follow the things that took place tonight. Just man up because I couldn't.

That is all for tonight. Forgive me. Jaime

Day 2 Breast Cancer Walk

I have been appointed by my managers at work to raise money and get people to walk for Breast Cancer. I was a little shocked at first, I haven't done anything like this before. The closest thing I have come to raising money was when I was 11 and selling cookies for the girl scouts, but even that was short lived. I went to camp and became very ill and had to be rushed to the hospital for dehydration purposes. So as you can see I was a little weary about the thought of being in charge of an entire restaurants skills to raise money for researching a horrible cancer that has plagued many women. Now, I look at it with a little excitement, it's definitely a challenge and I feel that I am up for it. So we shall see. If any of you would like to donate you can on my facebook page.... www.facebook.com/jstriby

Now for the lovely dating? life? Yesterday I was standing in line at target waiting to purchase the random items I always find in target, (why is it I always spend so much money in that store?) and I couldn't help notice this couple in front of me molesting each other in the line. Really? I think of target as a family store and yet there are people who find there cheap thrill of loving each other in public. Hand in back pocket, slowly rubbing of the ass. Slow kissing, oh how it makes me squirm. I couldn't just walk to another line, due to the limited amount which had people lined up. I wish sometimes that I had a video camera fused to my head so I could show people what I am talking about when need be. That point of the story really is that as sad as it may be, that was the closest I got to any action yesterday.

Day 1

I am not exactly sure how to start writing the details of my life to perfect strangers. This all seems a little nerve wracking and intriguing at the same time.

In start, I should probably bring you up to date with a few details of my life. I am in a time where everything seems to be starting fresh, which is a nice feeling. I feel this will help me advance in the direction I am meant to be, even if I don't know where that is. I am 27 and have yet to experience a lasting relationship, including the status of a "boyfriend". This means that I have yet to have sex, do to my feelings towards God and not wanting to add to the stories of first time horrors. I am not sure how I got this far. I feel as if I have been watching the world around me for years, and living my romantic needs through other people's lives. Now for the first time in a long time I am working on experiencing things for myself, firsts, if you will. I am going to work on finding my place, which many people do at this age, or perhaps I am behind the crowd. I figure there is always a chance to start something new, no matter the age.

I don't want anyone to think that my lack of relationship status is the only thing that I think about. I have other thoughts...probably too many other thoughts. I am working on photography, writing, film, helping others in my own way, as well as, many others. I also must say that I have a tendency of not sticking to the subject and run off on random tangents. I hope that this doesn't confuse anyone. I write as I think, and it never appears to be clear. As long as it makes sense to me I say it.

I am not sure if I will be able to keep up with the daily posts, but it shall be the first goal I will make for myself.

I , (jaime), will do my best to keep writing to the eternal space of the world wide web everyday for as long as it takes. (Meaning that I could possibly be writing everyday for the rest of my life... wow, that is intense.) I will speak the truth as I know it and try to work on myself in the process.

Not really a great written goal, but it is a start.

Also I would like to apologize for my lack of grammar skills. I tend to get them all confused and I apologize to those of you who twitch at the sight of a miss placed semi colon. Thank the lord for spell check.

Have the best of days, for they are endless if you let them...