Day unknown...

The last week has been a roller coaster of interesting. I went on a photo shoot with my uncle in Gainesville, and afterwards I got to pet some pretty amazing animals, which two days later gave me an eye agitation causing me to think that I had pink eye. It's not fun putting eye drops in your eyes that soon cause you to want to vomit after of course burning the shit out of your eyes. Dear lord.

The dating has come to a hault for some unknown reason. It's a very daunting task that I have to keep up with. It's almost exhausting finding someone who wants to hang out with me for more than a day or two. I figure that being myself is what I am supposed to do, but I just somehow find that to not be enough,,,funny. I think sometimes that prostitution would be a much easier route, if only for a few seconds to be connected with someone, even if it is under false pretenses. ha, prostitution. Surely I would never amount to that, surely.

I have been having these crazy dreams lately. they all seem so real that when I wake up, I have to think about it for a little to realize that they were just dreams. For instance, I dreamt the other night that I was pregnant. I know me pregnant, kinda funny. well, I had sex with someone for the first time, but I didn't know who and I was 3 months along. I could feel the bulge n my stomach... the movement. i was crying thinking that ofcourse this would haoen to me. It fast forwarded to the child being 3 months old, I was breast feeding, which was really strange, not something I would recommend dreaming about. Fast forwarded again to the kid being 10. i was running late for work and just took him with me instead of school, where I realized what I did for a living, I was a university professor who taught shakespeare. I kept looking at all the men around me wondering if they were the child's father, it was very surreal. I think that this is one of my biggest fears. Having sex and the getting pregnant and raising the child on my own. I think my life is going to go a different route than most people's. But I am petrified of doing it alone.

So now I wait for the long weekend and the halloween party to come. Hopefully everything runs smoothly. Hopefully...Jaime

Day 40...secrets

First I just wanted to let everyone know that I am fine. I am a normal person( well as normal as I can be) therefore I will have ups and downs. I just happen to feel sad the other day. Yesterday didn't help to much either. I finally was able to talk to a friend that had been ignoring me for all the wrong reasons yesterday. He just doesn't understand me and the nature of whicH I work. Which isn't difficult to understand, really, I just care alot about my friends and worry for them to be as best as they can. I like to help them get through their tough times, because it's my way of giving back to them for being there for me. (it's only fair). I am not sure that the conversation went the way I wanted it to but i did realize that we are both stubborn people and we just have to deal with the way that we think. It's probably going to be a constant struggle but in the end I think it will build both of us up to be better people.

I screamed last night, or possibly the appropriate word would be yelled. I should "this isn't my life, this is why I have such a hard time dealing with men. Because they continue to shit on me." It seems that I have come across a string of men who care more for themselves then the people around them, which can be understandable to a certain extent. But when it proceeds with hurting other people, or them not thinking that there is a possibility that this action will hurt someone that I care about.

For this I bring up the topic of secrets. We all have them. However, they are a cruel trick on the world, because in order to keep secrets, it involves lying to people, people you care about, some you don't, but lying none the less. I found out a secret last night, which makes me wonder who can I really trust in life. Some might say, "noone, trust noone!"but even so, who would that leave the rest of us. Trust is something that, I feel, everyone wants to have. But who really gives it? This secret has crushed me a little, from both parties involved, and I shall not go into detail, because they know who they are. And possibly they did nothing wrong in the moment surrounded by circumstance. But neither told me and neither planned on telling me. It makes me sad that someone could hurt me so much. My heart is torn on whether to forgive and forget. Or should I approach either person, but then If I do it will just cause a mess, if i just let it go and I could avoid a dramatic scene that I would never wish to occur. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I just don't think the trust I held is there for them anymore. Which is scary, because I know that I will forgive and forget, and possibly let myself get hurt again by the same person or people. Please just know that I might be a strong standing person, but when it comes to trust I am a fragile heart that can only be broken so many times before I repair myself no more.

These things, these silly things seem to find a way onto my lap. I cannot understand this journey that keeps me running every moment of it. I want to find a person to rest a while with. Someone to show me that humanity isn't lost and I am not crazy for being the way that I am, and wanting the things that I do. I good old fashion love. Nothing false or forced. Just a feeling of ease and pleasure. These silly things will not burn me down.

Jaime

yesterday ...day 39

I just woke up flawed this morning. I can't really place the anger but it is rising from somewhere settling just below the surface waiting to approach fresh air to fuel it. It is possible that it's not anger0 actually I have no idea where it came from. I can't believe i'm saying this, but appropriately I believe I am feeling lony. I think due to all the weddings in the air, it could be the cause. I can't find a date to a friends weeding. Who would want to go to a wedding on a date, usually people get flustered and think about what their wedding would be like, maybe with the person they're with or maybe not. A date, none the less, something I haven't had in a long while- I really don't know the exact rules got calling something a date. Although for some reason I still feel like I have yet to feel a real date. Yesterday while at a wedding shower, I was asked to give advice to the bride and groom. For the first time in a long time I was speechless. I don't possibly know what a 27 year old virgin , who doesn't know if she has been on a date in her life, just be giving advice to people who are in love and are about to get married. Needless to say it hit me hard, and I left the card blank. all this confusing word play of thought just randomly found a way into my head again. I want to cry but I have no reason to . I just feel sad today.

day 34...restlessness

The last couple of days have been very interesting. First of I would like to leave myself a personal note...Please hide your phone when you start drinkin!!!~...Now that is done. It seems I have a problem everyone, and yes it involves calling or texting people while I am intoxicated. This hasn't led to anything good so I don't understand why I continue to repeat the same mistake time over time. I feel that cell phone companies should enable a locking device on your phone so that if you decide to drink you shouldn't be able to call or send messages. I think that it would save alot of headaches in the world. I am a strong personality sober so when I decide to drunk dial it is always no good for the person on the other end...I am usually demanded answers to questions I already know but never have the balls to ask.

That being said...I am very proud of myself for being on the opposite line of the telephone this week. I did engage in a couple of drinks from time to time, but in the process remained sober enough to enjoy all the lovely people around me. It's been interesting. I have had a couple of random conversations with a couple of random strangers. I met a gentleman who wore a fancy fanny pack and is a vegetarian bicycle store owner. He actually only rides bikes, and hasn't owned a car for 2 years. Also he feels that one person cannot make a difference in the world lessoning their carbon footprint. One guy, was very tall with matching strawberry blonde hair, who claimed he has the lamest job in the world. I laughed and was entertained by his generous gestures, and stories of pranking people at work. He said he has a hard problem intimidated people with the "mean face" because he always just ends up smiling, so I sat there while he proceeded to imitate himself for about 5 minutes. Turns out he was an accountant. A couple of british chaps carried on a conversation quite well, the also were very animated with their speech, which takes a bit getting used to. It just so happens they are printers, so i thought possibly graphic design but no, they work at a factory for 12 hours a day, 3 days a week and watch paper print basically. Which I thought had to be the worst job, very boring unless the ink cartridge gets low. But they love it because it pays well and makes it possible for them to travel...apparently they say there are alot of poofs in ft. lauderdale that like british men in swimming trunks...ha.

I also had the pleasure of carrying on conversations with friends of mine that had a few more to drink than they should of. I am always interested in what people have to say when they are drinking, because you get to know the truth of what they feel deep down. although i have to admit that I wish they were just falsifying the information or possibly only thinking of the things they're saying because they are drunk. Life confessions, heart confessions, it's just so much to hear. It's almost too hard sometimes. I tend to worry for my friends and when they say certain things. I don't know. Being sober involves more than people realize.

Cheers to finding a happy medium.

Jaime

Day 31...fantasy can be reality?

I am feeling the actions of yesterday through my numerous aches today. I never though that signing up to play a fun game like kickball would amount to pain. pfff... I guess this is the reason that I never played any kind of sport before. I suppose I will have to work up a good stretching regimen in order to last without wanting to die.

I realized this afternoon that I need to stop watching television. It's not as if I watch copious amounts. It's just that I have a few shows that I look forward to seeing (which shall be unnamed, for sake of embarrassment). These shows. I just love the thought of the random nature of them. The possibility that the writers create. I normal person being seen by someone not so normal. The seduction and beauty in all the characters. The interesting yummy man finding something in the girl no one sees. It's all a fairy tale but as I said before I take well to those little stories. I think it's part of me hoping to have something amazing like the stories happen to me. Some part of me feels that if I keep believing than it will be possible that someone beautiful inside and out will notice me. The special event will happen with me. I think that after all these years of having nothing sexual in my life and hearing people say,"when it does happen it will be amazing" has built of the fantasy. Although I am beginning to lose patience and wanting things to happen now. I am ready for something amazing now. It might sound a little impossible. But it's has just been so long and the needs and longings start to take over. The compassion, and emotions, subtle hints, unknowing, and warm hugs. My body is starting to crave them more and more and unfortunately I cannot do anything about it. I feel like if I want it to happen it won't and when I least expect it, well, it will happen. Dear Lord. Fantasy will not be able to hold on much longer.

jaime Striby

day 28 past to present

Once there was a time where I was able to find myself relentlessly in love. Everything seemed to fall in place, there where things happening that I couldn't explain. Too many coincidences to go unnoticed. The words we wrote became our embrace. The conversations our kiss. For months I was falling in love without even a friendly hug to hold onto. Circumstances kept us from being together and timing caused us to say goodbye. Months of silence went, then a reconnection for future purposes. Writing again, my heart pounding again. I put myself out there to be faced with circumstance again. This time it took longer to pull myself from the floor where I laid in sadness. A year goes by and then another, and for some reason we keep in touch. it's hard to give up on something that was so good. Except this time my heart has learn from the damage that has been done and it has turned away from being ripped once again.

Now today, I don't know what I feel. I do know that I no longer hold a wall us between him and I. It's different. We have known each other for so long and been there for each other for so much. It's interesting what time has done to our relationship. There's no telling where it will be tomorrow. It's just so hard to let go. I believe that people are put into your life for a reason. Every single person. Of course some will have more value to you than others, but we all introduce something new with that first handshake of hello. I believe that there is a reason for all of this insanity. There has to be.

Jaime Striby