first actually train run

On my own

Swallowed up by the silence surrounding my heart. My biggest fears ring loud in my ears making it unbearable for me to even open my eyes to the future. I am crumbling into this void that I fought hard to run from. Another city, another day, and I am still awake staring at myself in the mirror trying to grasp the happiness that I was filled my lungs with. I take a step into the future and my past takes two more, holding onto every inch of fabric tearing holes in the clothes that comfort me and keep me warm. Miles away and still today I think of what we had and how shattered it all became in just an instance. I can pry my eyes open and see what I couldn't see before although the light is harsh on my sight. I had hoped for so much dancing in the rain with you, until the rain filled up the small room of reality and flooded my dreams of having an ever after. Now I have time to think, time to reflect on where I was and where I have come. I will carry you where ever my steps take me, but as time goes you grow lighter, and become much smaller than you were when I first layed eyes on you. The cold wind pushes through me, but my coat shall keep me warm and this hat might tossle my hair but I am ok with that. I am grown admist the change, I shall appreciate each day I have and know that what I thought we had might have been just that, for now I know that this is where I am meant to be, these hills might be large but it is the mountains that I will conquer on my own...on my own.

First Train Run

So I have started to settle in, it is beautiful here. Here are some photos from my first train run.

A week in!

I tell you what, if you ever want to learn about yourself- pack your bags and move to another city with people you barely know and get a job working on a train.
This week has been one of the most challenging in a while, well I'd say after England a couple of months. I honestly dont know how I am managing to still be standing ( actually lying in my lovely blow up bed. The first day of training was a breeze. There was a sense if excited nervousness floating around the room as we all listened to the managers try to cram as much knowledge in out heads as possible. Starting a new job is always a lot to take in, never mind the fact that the 8 of us were temporarily homeless. Between the 8 of us we've learned a lot about what we capable of, and it's quite refreshing. Considering the past 3 days have consisted of going to bed hopefully before 12 waking up at 6 going to training and then trying to make this house a home and then doing it all over again the next day. It's as if We are all tethered together by imaginary strings , where 1 goes most have to, doing this 24/7 cam cause some strain and believe me it has, but it's about give and take and it's nice to know that we all have each other in the long run.
I have to say that I didn't think I was going to make it today- my body and mind were pulling me down hard as the minutes went passed 7. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it, my anxiety was taking over and telling me things I didn't want to here." you're crazy for doing this, you're never going to make it, your out of your comfort zone" I honestly wanted to cry as I sat there listening to someone talk about team work and .... Well I was too close to walking out as they began to play a video on bacteria and I started becoming nauseous, it was surreal. I couldn't get comfortable in my auditorium seat, I wanted to scream. Somehow I managed to get control of myself and stick it out and an hour later I was fine. The mind is a tricky thing that I hope nobody takes for granted, it's capable if crippling me in an instant and it scares the shot out of me. But I have to keep moving forward. Since the beginning of the year I have been able to maintain myself( for the most part) without any medication and I'm damn proud of myself for it.
Now the only thing weighing on me is the first run, the test to see if I can make it through the ling hours and still manage to keep a smile on my face. I'm a good server I just hope I can be one for 13 hours straight. Well friends until we meet again... Peace and love - Jaime

The First Couple of Days...

     So here I am now at 9:07 in the morning in an almost overcrowded, some might say cozy hotel room, and I am swept away with the somber snoring of a friend which is developing into the sounds of a small child dying. Alaska. This week has been pretty intense. I clocked out with 44 hours which to my surprise wasn't all that hard, I could have possibly been prepping myself for the times to come. I did however develope some kind of sickness monday have my porcelain skin shaded in the sun at the beach and danced a bit that night downtown where I properly bid ado to Orlando.
        The next day was hell, I was overcome by my pressing move, and felt like death... Thank the lord for my dad calming me down and miss christina for coming to my aid with some drugstore goods. Thinking I had strep, I went down to get it checked out and after having a pipe cleaner pushed up my nose, a little too far I would say, I paid the clinic $250 to tell me that I had neither strep nor the flu. I am sure most would be relieved, but i was even more angry at the fact that I wasn't sure what was going on and i was about to board a plane in less then 48 hours. Dun dun dun.... Needless to say I pushed through the next day slowly as a packed and took a nap, packed, took a shower, everything I had planned on doing was pushed aside for the pressure bursting through my face, nose and throat. With two hours of sleep I awoke to the big day. I love the feel of an airport, the hustle and bustle. Everyone has somewhere to go, a story about where they've been, bags stuffed of to cluttler their homes, and cameras stocked with memories. Life is awake at the airport, or sleeping on metal chairs.
     I knew I was in for a long travel, 3 flights, 3 changed planes, over 15 hours of being stuffed into a chair sitting next to strangers. The first flight was the most comfortable although the visit of my monthly gift from God came causing the pain to rise in my body. Of all days this had to be one. At least I wasn't pregnant and at least it explained my complete breakdown a few days prior. The last flight was the worst, I was sitting next to an older gentleman who had no idea of self awareness, as he eased his way into the small space I already had with his elbows. I watched a movie and at one point almost became deaf due to his forearm resting on my volume control. For some reason I was so timid to even try to ask him to move his arm, I didn't want to make the man uncomfortable even though he was in my airplane bubble.So I had to try and sneak my fingers under his arm gap from the seat and relieve my ears from the piercing sounds of gun fight. On a side note, there are diaper changing stations in the restrooms making it easier for anyone who would like to join the mile high club.
     So here we are in Alaska with a rental car for a week and a hotel meant for 2, but sleeping 5 and no idea of where we will be living in the near future. Yesterday was our first day here and we honestly had no chance to appreciate where we were due to the luming fact that we are all in an unfamiliar place searching for a house to fit 4 and hoping and praying it's not in a section of town we could get raped and pilaged. The first place we looked at almost sent one of the girls into shock as we opened the door to an occupied apartment with the tenant out for the moment. The place had a certain smell that only a man would be able to ignore. Clothes tossed along the floor with a mattress in the center of the room and used dishes scattered about. I think then we all knew it would be a rough search. Call after call after answering machine without replies. We are full, waiting list, no short term leases! I knew it was going to be tough but damn. Thank the lord that 8 of us were searching for a place to live because one of the guys found 2 places in a four-plex and talked the landord into doing a 6 month lease. We went in and saw them today, filled out some paperwork, so after the background checks clear we should be able to move in monday.... yay! 4 people to a 2 bedroom but it's going to have to work. The place definately needs a scrubbing, and some love, but I think it's going to be a great place to call home for 5 months, and if I get bored I could always walked across the street and watch some grown men play softball  on the fields.
     I am very thankful for the people I can now call my roomates. I think that this is going to be a good living situation. We all get along with each other in our own way, and there is a sense around us all that we get it. We know when to back off and when to laugh it's a little strange how well we all interact with each other. Ofcourse there is no telling how it will be once we get settled in. Weeks from now we could be at each others throats, but I don't think that will happen.
     All in all this past week has been a whirlwind. There were people I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to, and people that graciously accepted me into their lives. Cheers to giving it a shot in a 50 degree weather. Love you guys...peace, hope and love-Jaime