Option

Everything inside me tells me to make a choice. I need to speak up for myself and take control of my future. I have not many options at this point and I am afraid of losing one of them. Instead of taking a step towards one and trying it out. What if I take one and work through the process and then it turns out the option is hopeless...nothing that I thought it would be like in the first place. I have been waiting to play this one out for quite sometime. I have placed an enormous amount of pressure on this part of my life, what if everything that I have built up is a huge disappointment. What if I lose the only hope I have towards this option. What if I go through this one and the next until I am all out of them. I will be left with nothing but failed choices. All this of course is a bit extreme , me losing all my options. But the fear of losing one has kept me from losing them all, is has also kept me from trying one out. What the hell. Can't one of my option is just show some light on me and let me know that it is the right choice at the right time. Why do I have to pursue everything, there should be something pursuing me. Blah. Very mature and wo is me I know, but seriously something needs to be done soon, before I freaking go crazy...Muahh ha ha.-jaime

Real

Sometimes...sometimes we fight so hard to find what it is that we are meant to do with ourselves. Questions pour through us without answers to the one before. What shall I do with my life, what will I become? Will I be happy in my life, and will I find a future of success? Will he love me as I do him? What am I meant for?... I don't know the answers to any of these questions, I only know what I feel. Inside I am meant for something great. When I hear a song that pushes the boundaries enough to give me chills, it makes me smile. I love more than most, whether it be watching a single leaf fall from a tree and appreciating its beauty, or seeing an older couple holding hands as they slowly stroll down the street in the middle of the night like time is endless. I love these things. I feel the passion in stories, and the people's eyes that tell them. I see the pain in the shake of a person's hand who just can't give anymore of themselves to this world. I think more about most situations than I probably should, constantly thinking of the different outcomes, different footsteps taken. I know that when I see a great movie it triggers that pit in my stomach telling me that I can do the same, and do it well. I know that I love telling stories in any which possible way. Stories of life that actually occur, places that people really see and the awkward moments filled in between. Don't get me wrong, I love fairy tale from time to time and carebear happy endings. But the real, just tastes like the perfect cupcake to me. Vanilla, with a possible confetti action, with whipped chocolate topping. Just right. I love real.

Jaime

Displacement

Tonight I am reminded of the feeling I know all to well, the feeling I haven't seen in quite sometime... The feeling that refreshes my body and frightens my soul. Displacement. Sometimes when I am surrounded by people I am able to wash them out and muffle their sounds in an instant - replacing them with the sound of my heartbeat and the exhale of my breath I feel as if I am watching myself fromthe outside... Every sense is awakened simutaneously . I feel the ability to chNge musket into whatever comes into my mind. In the moment. My step changes with my posture, my hand movements with every inhale. Memories unknown to me arise, thoughts rush through my veins. I am something else, someone else momentarrily takes over my entire being. This feelingholds strong in the pit of my stomach And j feels as if I can do anything. Run, dance, scream, smile... Impulses being to arise from somewhere I've never known- as I drive my eyes stare off I to the road ahead of me as my surroundings blur at 5 or 60 mph and it is a feeling I am unsure anyone can understand. I look at those with me And they converse as I am myself, it is impossible to explain in the fullest capability , but it is something I know I am meant for more. The feeling tells me I am capable of anything in this moment- to create things people have never seen. It is overwhelming and intimitdating all on it's ownbecause I don't know anyone who can do this. Displacement. I feel as if every movement is exagerated and thought a year about. I am able to stare at myself as if it is forthe first time I am seeing my skin, the freckles on my shoulders - the blue in my eyes- I can cry for no reason in this moment- feel the wet tears against my cheeks and wipe them away with a smile with no purpose- and only one I feel an understand and he is no where in site. Displacement......


Jaime


-- Posted from my iPhonenedu

Goodbyes

I have moved around quite a few times in my life, due to my dad being in the airforce. There have been alot of lost friends and tears shed for knowing that you will never see them again. I always think or possibly say that I will see them again, but as I get older I realize that deep down somewhere i knew that I wouldn't be able to, due to missed timings and life changing. So when I am able to keep in touch with a friend, or they care enough to do the same with me, it means the world. I have never had the luxury of having friends, for a life time. Someone I grew up with who know me inside in out, I am almost envious of people who can say that they have known someone their entire lives," we were in first grade together." So even though I have said my many goodbyes, and felt that horrible feeling. I have never been able to warm up to it, no matter how many times it happens in my life, I always cry. I always cry.

I had to say goodbye to a dear friend tonight, someone who would never hurt a soul. Always there for you if you need him to be. Just an all around amazing person. It hit me harder than I thought it would. I just couldn't help myself. I pray that all his travels are safe and that I do get to see him again. He is one of those rare people that no matter what you want to keep in your life. SO hopefully, i shall see my dear friend again.

Although, tonight when I had to say good bye to him, it made me think about the people that I do have in my life. The people that I have met through others, work, school, chance... Every single one of them I feel is in my life for a reason... I am constantly trying to figure out how or what brought this person to me. I think that god has a plan for all of us, this journey that we have to live through. He brings individuals to us to teach us and guide us along the paths that we are destined to live. Some times I wonder if i think too much into certain friendships....( [please don't think that I am trying to say that only others provide for me, i intentionally try to help as many that I can in my life, love as many people, and now i sound like a hippy..) or certain people. There are things that sometimes happen, coincidences that i don't know if I could ever explain. It's as if god is trying to speak to me through these events and I don't know what he is trying to say. I would like to think i am not crazy with this, but it's just to abnormal to think otherwise. sometimes I wonder if the person in my life is meant to be there for the long haul and that's why I hold on to them so much, or maybe just the experiences I had were all I was suppose to have. Could it be that I am holding on to something that really isn't there. This ofcourse is an open ended question that I will never know the answer to , or fear the answer. love-jaime

randomness

I just need to put it out there how much I love music!! It seems to infuse itself into my blood with every note played and I appreciate it for the feelings it pushes through me. It sometimes feels like the music is made just for me in that moment in time. I love it when butterflies emerge and send chills through my body just from the excitement of a new cd from a favorite band. Money doesn't make the world go round, music does. Thank you to everyone who has ever been a part of making something beautiful for the world to hear.

Alright, so last night lil red and I decided to venture downtown to a favorite place of ours, bbq bar. Ofcourse neither of us thought about the classic being in town but as we hit dead stop traffic on orange, i realized this wasn't the best idea. the streets were packed with people, I can't believe how many. I felt like I was in another city. There were plenty of people lining the sides of the streets just listening to music and dancing it out with a cup of alcohol in hand. SOme were just standing watching the people go by without expression on their face. It reminded me of spring break in panama city. A whole bunch of crazy. woman wearing clothes the should because every footstep revealed one side of their unappealing ass cheek. I did get to see a smurf car painted blue with rims a spinning and the characters airbrushed perfectly on the side.. I actually was enjoying the scenary, lil red...not so much. She mainly stayed intact with her texting abilities to keep the outside happenings from coming in. I got to free cd's which one was interesting with it's thick rap of paper money flying from everywhere....the other cd was actually a good track, very impressed. When we finally did get to the bar, the night was fun, aside from the strange man who tried to lick my shoulder, strange, lil red just kept talking about the swine flu from the tongued man. Which I thought only appropriate.

I need to get out more and meet new people, it's just something I really enjoy doing, I just rarely act upon it. There are so many people to learn from and pull from, enjoy things I have never done before. I shall keep that in mind for the next couple of weeks. in with the new, chill with the old. ---jaime

Patience is a bitch

First of all o have to say that I have had a few drinks therefor of anything is spelled invorrectly or doesn't make any sense.... Do not judge me.

Ohhh, lately I have been under a lot of unescecary stress. It seems that the car accident has bit remained in the past. I recieved a letter in the mail from the woman who hit me, asking me to release her from all damages to my at because she was going to het her license taken away from her.... I wish I could but due to the fact that I haven't been discovered for my talents I have no money... I know it sounds crazy but it feels like I have this womans life in my hands, her future. I feel horrible that I can't do anything to help her out, let alone the fact that I just recieved a bill on the mail for the hospital visit o made after the accident...!!! Ugh I just don't know how to feel about anything anymore.

Expect love.... I feel that in this point of my life , while attending weddings and photographing them, I don't underaand why I can't find someone to love me. I haw recently found someone that has been an important factor in my life and it seems that he doesn't want to be apart of mine " in a relationship kind of way" I am not for him anymore, somewhere along the twisted path that we have been involved in has strayed him away from ever wanting to be with me. Which hurts, I feel that I cam trust him and know him and it just isn't enough... It seems that I am never enough... Whether it be sexually or emotionally men never seem to think I am. Enough which is seriously the reason why I am still the 27 year old virgin without a relationship history. And patience isn't going to help me this time. Jaime
-- Posted from my iPhonenedu

Freak out Factor

Hello to all of those people who are constantly over thinking every situation and constantly wondering what the other person is thinking, as I do. Today I shall talk about the freak out factor...(named myself, so it could be illegitimate). The freak out factor can be defined as: an action that someone partakes in in a relationship, or interest, that scares the shit out of the person being pursued. I have realized that in prior efforts there has been a point to where I have managed to scare the other person.( scare might be harsh, but you understand what I mean.) Everything seems to be going fine, I mix well with the other person, find things in common, possibly a true connection is made. Then out of some strange place called nowhere, the guy just decides that it isn't the right time or place, or there is something that isn't working. It usually comes down to me just being friends with another guy., and honestly it is frustrating. I have plenty of guy friends as it is, if i wanted to just be his friend I would have stated prior. You know, set the imaginary limits, bubble radius.

This freak out factor has been a huge determiner on my "dating" life. ahhhhhhhhhh.......it makes me angry. Good lord. I have been trying to place my finger on the certain moment when each have occurred and it is just ridiculously hard. each time, different outcome. Hard to say this, one was after a sleep over, which really just consisted of making out. Another, after a disagreement, one disagreement. It seems that when the guy thinks that we are getting to close, it has to end. What the hell does that mean? Am I too intense, possibly. But I think that if a guy is going to call it quits, he just give a reason why. I think that too many times people are afraid to hurt the other person's feelings by keeping quiet, and in doing so , this leaves the pursuer ?????? so If i could just stress how important honesty is, i shall do so now, IT'S IMPORTANT....how am I ever going to improve as an individual if no one tells me what I am doing wrong. I am not saying that I will conform and adjust to meet everyone's needs, because that would make me someone else. I just would like to be aware of problems, so I can understand what the hell is going on. Ha. Alright. that is that for now.

jaime

A thought found during a rainy night

I have somehow found a way to bring myself back to the begining. The time when things were simple wrapped up into a box of impossible. The way you made me feel has returned in disguise. Things HAVE change; we both have grown. It makes me wonder if the new could end with the story of us. You seem to be hiding from in a form of friendship, afraid o the reprecussions this time. The tables have turned, it seems. For I am ready to wrap
Myself into you and you are overthinking every possible move and action. A stranger told me the other day," don't let love slip from your hands, you will regret it in time." I can't say that I love you, but I can see me saying those three words with you in time. And regret is something I intend to stray away from, but the feelings have to be a mutual agreement. No more letting what could be pass us by. I also suppose that I could be putting force placed feelings of yours on the table I have yet to understand. I don't know what you are thinking. I don't know what you are feeling. I am afraid to crumble your new found freedom. I don't want to be impatient but I don't wAnt to lose a chance that we finally might have to be together. Unfournately I feel that these feelings shall be stored away again until a time is right. But I am more afraid that the time will never be right.


Jaime


-- Posted from my iPhone

True love

The days events have come to an end. A new begining for two people who love each more than the air they breathe.

It's interesting to think that there are possibilities for people to find the one they love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. I can imagine it, surely, but it's the experiencing it that I wonder if I will ever be able to. I am sure that I will find it's just the seeing it and relealizing it that I am worried about . Being able to hold onto a love so deep for the rest of life is a difficult thing to do. With challenges and struggles, I feel that it is too easy to give up on love, people are always wondering if their is something better out there for them. " I could do better, there are plenty of people thatwould love me more than you".... Instead of fighting for love I think too often people just toss it aside for something easier. Which is the reason why their Arent the true loves anymore... It's almost as if true love is becoming extinct.

I am afraid of the whole process in itself. Finding, holding on, wondeing if the person I'm with is my forever. How do you ever really know. Is there really a feeling that you're supposed to have or is it just something that you want so bad that you make yourself believe that what you're feeling is the true love.....

Jaime



-- Posted from my iPhone

The longest yet

There is a somber sense in the air today. I feel that I am good inside and shining on the out. I don't know what , but something makes me feel like u can take on the world finally. I have taken back my life and I'm ready for another chapter to begin.

The next few weeks are taken over by weddings. Normally being single would get to ne but I feel good about the thought of a happy begining for people. Just because I haven't started that path in my life doesn't mean j should be bitter towards those who have. I am grateful for where I am. I know that I an in good hands and my life is where it should be. I'm not afaid of what is in front of me and it's freeing.

Ithink everyone should take the time to dance when no ones looking... Sing with the windows rolled all the way down.smile at the stranger in the aisle next to you. Don't forget that we all have troubled lives and people understand.