Day 40...secrets

First I just wanted to let everyone know that I am fine. I am a normal person( well as normal as I can be) therefore I will have ups and downs. I just happen to feel sad the other day. Yesterday didn't help to much either. I finally was able to talk to a friend that had been ignoring me for all the wrong reasons yesterday. He just doesn't understand me and the nature of whicH I work. Which isn't difficult to understand, really, I just care alot about my friends and worry for them to be as best as they can. I like to help them get through their tough times, because it's my way of giving back to them for being there for me. (it's only fair). I am not sure that the conversation went the way I wanted it to but i did realize that we are both stubborn people and we just have to deal with the way that we think. It's probably going to be a constant struggle but in the end I think it will build both of us up to be better people.

I screamed last night, or possibly the appropriate word would be yelled. I should "this isn't my life, this is why I have such a hard time dealing with men. Because they continue to shit on me." It seems that I have come across a string of men who care more for themselves then the people around them, which can be understandable to a certain extent. But when it proceeds with hurting other people, or them not thinking that there is a possibility that this action will hurt someone that I care about.

For this I bring up the topic of secrets. We all have them. However, they are a cruel trick on the world, because in order to keep secrets, it involves lying to people, people you care about, some you don't, but lying none the less. I found out a secret last night, which makes me wonder who can I really trust in life. Some might say, "noone, trust noone!"but even so, who would that leave the rest of us. Trust is something that, I feel, everyone wants to have. But who really gives it? This secret has crushed me a little, from both parties involved, and I shall not go into detail, because they know who they are. And possibly they did nothing wrong in the moment surrounded by circumstance. But neither told me and neither planned on telling me. It makes me sad that someone could hurt me so much. My heart is torn on whether to forgive and forget. Or should I approach either person, but then If I do it will just cause a mess, if i just let it go and I could avoid a dramatic scene that I would never wish to occur. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I just don't think the trust I held is there for them anymore. Which is scary, because I know that I will forgive and forget, and possibly let myself get hurt again by the same person or people. Please just know that I might be a strong standing person, but when it comes to trust I am a fragile heart that can only be broken so many times before I repair myself no more.

These things, these silly things seem to find a way onto my lap. I cannot understand this journey that keeps me running every moment of it. I want to find a person to rest a while with. Someone to show me that humanity isn't lost and I am not crazy for being the way that I am, and wanting the things that I do. I good old fashion love. Nothing false or forced. Just a feeling of ease and pleasure. These silly things will not burn me down.

Jaime